i came home last saturday morning with all my christmas loot from the office and was excited to wrap gifts meant for family and godchildren. when i arrived home, my parents were preparing to go to the market for crabs and all others for our noche buena.

at around 10 am, the phone rang and my niece rushed to answer. she was saying that my mother was out and turned to me to ask whether she should already put the phone down. i got the phone and heard my sister from the states. i shouted "ate!" excitedly and ranted on about my niece who answered the phone. then she cut me off:

"wag ka munang magsalita."

i asked, yes? she said "wala na si lila." and then she cried.

i was confused. all i could say was my sister's name over and over.

her daughter, lila, was 14 months old. she was due to be baptized on dec. 23rd. she passed away on dec. 21st. lila was my sister's only daughter, after waiting for her for so many years. my sister celebrated lila's arrival by celebrating her birthday every 12th of the month til she turned 1. my sister would send us photos of lila and my sister and her husband in front of a cake, with numbers on top representing every month since lila had been born.

cause of death? twisting of the intestine that caused oxygen and blood supply to get cut off. she died at the hospital waiting to be treated. the doctors didn't think she was in grave danger as she was still responsive when she arrived. the only symptom that night was that lila vomited--- other than that, nobody had a clue what was happening. lila waited for 80 minutes before the doctor inserted IV into her. within a few moments, lila closed her eyes and died of cardiac arrest.

i think my sister will be filing a complaint against the hospital, i don't really know for sure. but this matter is too technical, too impersonal to be writing about here.

i want to write about how my sister loved her daughter and how much her daughter loved her. ate jeng could not believe what had happened, she's in a real shock and is obviously having trouble coping.

i want to write about how my other sister flew to the states the same day we heard about the news.

...how i am the only daughter here who has to take care of our mother who cries a lot. that my mother is looking to me to obtain a visa for her to get to my sister who needs her support.

lila was my parents' first grandchild and maybe their last. ate jeng is 38, ate mel 36, and me, well, 2 years younger. i don't have any high hopes of finding a husband or of bearing children. i feel sorry for my parents but what can we do? this is how our lives have turned out to be.

wild thing

just got back from our gig at the ipo - before hearing officers, trademark and patent examiners --- people who read our filings, pleadings, hear our cases and decide them.

it dawned on me that i don't get shy anymore -- especially since my co-vocalists are shy and would rather make me talk -- when i get onstage am at performance level. it's soooo weird. i used to have stage fright, i used to panic, forget all the lyrics and get lost in the music. i still get lost in the music now, but in a good way.

the audience was appreciative, they clapped even just hearing the first few bars of a song. but we didn't expect the ending to be like that -- when we sang head over heels, people got up and danced. it was followed by play that funky music, dancing queen and... lady marmalade. i couldn't believe i was singing lady marmalade with soul passion. if only sister grace, the choirmaster could see me now (from heaven). i wonder what she would say seeing/hearing her soprano sing and strut with a live band.

anyway, i've got to go, have dinner to go to... finally! a friend who has been sort of avoiding me for a while (i suspect) has asked to meet for dinner and gift-giving.

merry christmas friends, you know who you are. i think it's great that you're still reading me after all this time. thank you, thank you, you make my heart sing.

i've lost round 1. patiently waiting for round 2.

'twas the night before christmas
and all through the house
not a creature was stirring
not even a maws.*


*if small, minimaws

it's the 20th and am still here in the office. haven't done my christmas shopping and gift-giving. am so late this year! am so afraid by the time i'm ready it will be christmas 2008 na.

was at conway's last night with the friends i've made in adelaide. it was a group composed of 4 men and 4 women. the men were (are) all sweet, funny, accomplished and married (one is separated but we don't want him). of course, we are all friends in that group and it was great seeing them, catching up.

until the part when we had to pay the bill. it was close to 15 grand.

turns out that our friend's guest ordered several shots of henessy which cost close to five thousand bucks, exclusive of tax and service charge. after some confusion, the bill finally got paid and we all went home.

+++

anyway. i cried buckets of tears last night. major. i've not cried that way since... i cannot even remember. fyi, i was not even drunk. there was something that hit me and i let it simmer for a while until it made me cry. anyway, it was a good release.

i called up several friends who unfortunately couldn't be awakened. this morning, i told B that it would be good if i will be able to wake him up naman when i need him.

this is what he said:

"kung magkatabi tayo matulog, magigising mo ako."

kainis. such wit.

documenting

that is great news. am happy for you.

back there

am back there. when am not the 30-something me (yesss, i am old), when am not the 8-year practicing lawyer me, when am not rational, when i don't make sense. when something that seems simple is not, when i almost detest even the most sincere words from people who care about me. it is when i am focused on what i don't have and even though it's minor, i feel incomplete. i want it.

my best friend has asked me to go meet her in serendra, to pick up my gift. i said no, not yet, can't go there yet. it's sad that not even hi-street could shake me out of it. i'm afraid i won't ever want to go to hi-street again.

see? there i am, i can see myself, back in that place where i am a little girl. i need a safety blanket. however pathetic it may sound, i do miss somebody taking care of me.

can't believe am still working when my leave started last friday. the only difference is that i could come in jeans.

hope to file this darned thing asap so i could disappear asap.

my second name translates to "grace", hence, so many times i've been called that.

but today, i was referred to as a woman of grace and class, and this is my first time.

this is my cue, this is my closure, am going to be mighty quiet now.

she wakes up and wonders - where am I? In the early morning light, she realizes she's home. She remembers what she needs to do, and realizes that she did not immediately remember you... She chases the thought of you in her mind, turning left then right, hoping to preserve you, disappointed that you have started to become forgettable.

found this old writing i made during law school circa 1999:

i now find myself confronted with work, too much actually that it leaves no space or time for anything else. i welcome this actually.

i want my mind to be filled with thoughts of everything but that. i want to be tired so that i would fall asleep easily and not wander off to a slow daydream that may become too sweet and get me even more disappointed since it isn't real.

+++

i ended up being campaign manager for a group of students running for the law school government. it required me to stay after school and work on the campaign until 3 am everyday for maybe 2 weeks. i had to drive classmates to lagro and to sta. mesa before coming home to cubao. i did that for 6 weeks. (looking back, my mom was pretty cool letting me drive home alone at that time of night. if i had a daughter she'd have a driver. but then again, having a driver back then would be a luxury.)

i was glad for the distraction. we ended up winning 4 slots out of 5. we could have made a sweep were it not for some controversial spat during the presentation of candidates for treasurer. my candidate made a truthful but bitchy remark that everybody heard. they sympathized with the female candidate, who cried. politics and drama really go hand in hand.

+++

fast forward to 2007. i was partying with the staff singing cheesy videoke songs like "separate lives" and "all out of love", when several unknown numbers called my cell, one after another. my client's business locations got raided tonight. now we have to work on the motions to quash. on top of that i have pleadings due to be filed next week. more importantly, am supposed to be on leave already. i had meant to just play badminton the whole december. maybe after christmas.

but like in 1999, i am thankful for the distraction.

another question answered

yep, ladies and gentlemen, we have a quitter.

should've quit while ahead, but didn't. now left holding the bag.

my voice is semi-back. last night at the party, even before we started playing, i was called to introduce the band members. i said i was doing the vocals along with 3 others, and i took it as my opportunity to say that i was nursing a sore throat. apologized in advance if i don't hit the high notes.

after several back-up singing, i did my first solo and it was good. no, it was really good. am glad.

several songs came after and we were on a roll. it was fun. the instrumentalist dudes were really cool. if i could have a second life, i'd like to be a bassist.

i hung out for a bit more with the usual suspects. for a while i forgot that earlier that night i was just on the phone discussing a case where i withdrew an MR because it was pointless.

today, am back at work, party over. but when i look back am still glad i did what i did even though some things got sacrificed, but hey, you win some and you lose some. no regrets.

party over

last night we held our Firm Christmas party at the pen. it was different from all the other parties i've had with the office. must be because the people i used to party with are no longer with us and am still in the process of being comfortable with those who are here, but most of it i blame on just getting old.

i am old.

i used to dance forever and not get tired. last night, i got tired, physically and, i guess, emotionally as well.

the partners came and sat with their spouses. i wondered --- what if my turn comes? it would be such a bit*h to be sitting there at the same table with these big names and not have anybody with me. it would be such a bit*h to be clasping a cellphone that i would be checking every so often to see if somebody was looking for me. bit*h, bit*h, bit*h.

and to put this in perspective, my fear is real since apparently i will be sitting beside them by the time we hold our 2008 party. that means i have 12 months to convince somebody to want to sit beside me at my 2008 firm party. or maybe, i could just pretend to be sick and skip that party altogether. problem solved.

i've been recently reunited with the cardigans, whom i listened to in my third (fourth? not sure) year in law school.

there are really really nice songs in their first album, band on the moon, but tonight, this song is just leaping out of the heap for me.

heartbreaker

no, not again
oh, what a man
just who I thought that I wanted to have
oh, don't do that
don't use that bat
that's all it takes to make me falling flat

no, not again
a loser I am

i love you tonight
you are my knight
cure and assure and make me feel alright
tomorrow you'll find
i'm not around
but don't be uptight
'cause I loved you last night

vacant and free
yeah, that is me
just tell me how and I'll please you for free
tell me I'm good
i know I'm bad
lies make me feel fine although it is sad

oh, not again
not one more man

i love you tonight
you are my knight
cure and assure and make me feel alright
tomorrow you'll find
i'm not around
but don't be uptight
'cause I loved you last night

(pathetic message, yes, but nice melody.)

some answers

i want to answer some of the questions i posted here yesterday:

1. what happens tomorrow? will i get called in to hear good news or bad news?

I got called in alright, to hear... semi good news.

2. assuming it's good, would i be glad?

since it's semi-good news, i'm semi-glad.

3. assuming it's semi-good, would i take it?

i don't know yet. six months is a long time to consider it.

4. assuming it's bad, would I quit?

since it's semi-good, it's not bad.

5. did the captain of the titanic cry?

based on the movie titanic, he kissed his wife and laid down, with her, in their bed, waiting for the waters to rush in.

now, only the other question remains...

this is the first weekend in the last 2 years that i am in the country but did not come home and sleep at my parents' house.

i've been distracted, mostly by work, partly by the christmas rush and by the foremost question i have in my mind.

do we have a quitter???

+++

last friday i attended band practice and ended up singing for real despite my already hoarse voice (gumimik thursday night, remember?). by saturday morning, my voice was all gone. i had a real moment of panic. i have hearings on monday and wednesday. i can't do sign language and the judge will definitely not understand me if i tried talking. most importantly, the band's performance is on thursday. i cannot NOT sing. especially since i've been tasked to sing about 5-6 songs solo.

+++

i called her to greet her and she noticed my voice. i said am doing everything to recover by thursday, because of the party. she said, yah, and on tuesday too, for our party. i wanted to say but am not singing at our party... but i didn't. maybe she meant something else?

reading too much into things.

so many questions, i need an answer:

1. what happens tomorrow? will i get called in to hear good news or bad news?
2. assuming it's good, would i be glad?
3. assuming it's semi-good, would i take it?
4. assuming it's bad, would I quit?
5. did the captain of the titanic cry?

most importantly,

6. why aren't you here with me?

someday we'll know.

last night, i had my first christmas party for 2007 at mezze, greenbelt 2. it was also a reunion of sorts for colleagues who became friends at the apaa in australia.

i got buzzed. had 4 glasses of red wine and 3 bottles of beer. it was that kind of buzz that made you feel "happy" like everything is fine and that everybody is your friend and you wanna hug them. i don't get buzzed a lot so whenever i do, i think it's kinda special (wink, wink). but i did not go hugging people last night unlike that time in law school even the lamppost was huggable.

there were 4 of us who were last to leave the place. we tranferred to nuvo, the nearby bar, to have pizza, and me, to have iced tea. by this time the buzz was going...

it was an odd group - well, not really odd except for one, i think (that ain't me). this boy is medyo clueless but maybe he really is nice. but since he himself was buzzed he started talking about people, other people. we were primarily gossiping actually -- who was with whom, why they're together. we also all discussed why we are single, who wants to be double (or triple)... we were 4 adult lawyers blaming the profession for our lack of time to find love or for our lack of charm, or lack of luck.

as the busboys were already antsy, it was past 2 a.m., we transferred to old swiss inn. one girl and one boy had soup, the other boy had cheese fondue which tasted more like wine fondue. i had corned beef. will always have corned beef in that resto.

by 4 a.m. we decided it was time to go. by this time, i've realized that i was losing my really nice purse that holds my cellphone(s). we went back to mezze and nuvo but didn't find it. on our way back, the village police stopped us because girl driving took a left where there was no left turn. elvis jr. in typical fratman fashion told the police, ibalato na lang kay attorney so and so. the police let us go.

so much for one night. i'm calling mezze later. wish me luck on my purse.

played for 3 hours tonight. my muscles hurt.

and am hungry.

making things permanent.

a good friend texted me today "what is the point in getting married? is it the love, companionship, sex? Why do i want to get married badly?"

oooh. that question.

i tried to answer it the best way i could. and after i've said it i was pretty convinced that it was an answer i believed in:

"you marry because you want to make your relationship permanent. or at least you try to make it permanent."

so whatever it is that you have with somebody, whether it is love, companionship, or sex -- hopefully all --- if it is so great that you want to make it permanent, you marry them.

+++

but scorpions are very loyal. first, to themselves, next, to others.

somewhere, i found this rule for writing fiction:

"every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water."

what do YOU want?

foremost thought in my head: effortless.

it's nice when it's effortless. it feels like it is what it is supposed to be.

second thought in my head: exhaustion.

soon enough, as in everything, it will also exhaust itself. thus, this is only for now.

i know i've not been diligent in posting here and a lot of things have happened that i would have written about, if i had the time.

well, not just the time to write, but also the focus to write. i've been distracted by a million things since i got back. good things, new things, nice things.

but right now am blogging here from seattle's best at boni hi-street. my most favoritest spot in the metro (i already said that before). how did i get here?

1. i wake at 630 to go to the DOJ early. to see this prosecutor who is so difficult to catch.
2. i reach the DOJ before 8. i have breakfast from mcdo at the supreme court courtesy of B and H -- classmates who work at the sc. they keep me company while i call the DOJ to see if mr. elusive has gotten in.
3. i speak with mr. elusive's secretary instead and suck up to her because she is by nature MASUNGET. by 930 i leave na.
4. i go home to the condo to take a nap (a perk of living so close to the office). i drift off and my momma calls and tells me there is military movement in makati. i hear panic in her voice and for a moment i think there is shaking in my building (reminiscent of the earthquake just the other day)
5. i go to work, pretend, pretend, then happily leave after the boss has left. besides, the office manager says we could leave na. my building a possible target. it has always been, and will always be.
6. i go to my car and realize that it's thursday. car coding.
7. i say fuck it and challenge myself to put on the charm if a traffic enforcer accosts me.
8. i end up here at hi street. i have 3 hours to kill til the car coding is lifted.
9. i text my best friend that i'm here. she is also here!
10. i see her, borrow her laptop, and wait for her, while she has a meeting.
11. i type this. damn its cold here.

am back at work. it was scary to come in. it really was.

as soon as sat on my chair, i called up this particular lawyer, a miss that i really like-- but she was not in yet. i called another and requested that she come inside my room because i wanted to see a familiar face. there was something i was stressing about but thankfully nothing bad happened while i was gone.

+++

before coming to makati last night, i played badminton with my sister and her officemates at ABS-CBN. i used to play with them on occasions, but not recently. of course i like saying am so much better at badmin now, and it showed last night.

playing again on wednesday, and am super looking forward to it.

i think i have enough coins to complete this post.

i have reviewed what i typed last night and realized that there are lots of grammar errors in it. i didn't have time to edit but as i've said, i wanted to preserve what was.

anyway - i also forgot to say that i am in melbourne. of all the cities i've visited i think melbourne is the most liveable for me. but i'm going home tomorrow and in a big way i think am excited to come home.

back to reality, back to the daily grind. but at least i'll be playing badminton on sunday. and monday. (happy thought)

finally, i think i'm missing someone.

i have less than 5 minutes 20 seconds to finish this post and "publish".

i hear the rain --- mad and noisy -- outside, after i get inside the hotel. i choose to drop my 1 dollar coin into the machine to give me 6 minutes to access the internet.

i want to write this now, because i don't want to forget. i want to capture the fun and craziness of tonight when i had a date with myself.

i watched the phantom of the opera tonight. i was excited to wear my newly-bought leather trenchcoat -- it's authentic and expensive but it doesn't matter. i have a leather trenchcoat. the temperature here is 5 degrees and i need to keep warm.

after the show which was great and made me cry because it reminded me of something, or somebody, i walked out of the theater. soon it started to rain and so removed my new pair of shoes placed them in my pocket and walked for about 2 km home. i am hungry but have no Aus money for food or taxi. but i have 1400 usdollars in my pocket!

countdown

in 105 minutes i will be oldER.

got a call from a private number which i knew was my good friend and classmate J's, who was calling from the u.s. she has never failed to call me on my birthday ever since she migrated. nice. she would be my first birthday caller for this year.

i'm obviously at work. just came from badmin and am in my sweaty outfit. haven't had dinner and i've 2 major pleadings to clear tonight. again, tomorrow is my birthday and even though i am on leave i would have to be here because i have 2 pleadings for filing tomorrow. told my assisting lawyers i'd only be here in the morning (read: before lunch). i intend to have my nails done (gotta gotta gotta) and buy stuff for my trip on friday. and maybe receive a surprise. maybe not.

birthday loot

this is the list of gifts i've so far received for my birthday, in the order that i got them:

1. selected poems of e.e. cummings (1923-1958) [from B]




2. the art of seduction [from B] - haven't read it. so all this time it has only been my natural charm that has got you hooked. :)















3. kodak easyshare 8.0MP digital camera [from my sister] - imagine my surprise when i got this. my sister is galante in giving gifts. i'm so lucky to be her younger sister.



4. two pairs of necklace and earrings -- accessories [from my mom]


5. lush massage bar [from BFF]
am a massage addict, i'm a skilled masahista.


no other gifts so far. my birthday is a little over 24 hours away, send your gifts now.

dear B,

am so sorry if i offended you.

me.

lunch without food, can be very tiring.

well meaning meddling

i walk into the room, expecting to see the usual business minded insurance underwriter. she looks up at me and i am surprised to see a woman who looks every bit singaporean. i wonder if she is filipino. she greets me in english and shakes me hand. i decide she is not filipino.

the interview goes on until we reach the part where i am asked of my birthday. i tell her it's next week and she greets me. she assumes i am married and i say no. she says, i hope you don't mind my asking, but do you have a boyfriend?

instinctively i say "yes."

and 2 seconds later i say "noooo." i don't have a boyfriend.

now i wonder why i said yes, when obviously i don't. it's a mystery.

but i digress. the point is, she picks on my job as the reason why am not married or don't even have a boyfriend. she tells me i should leave my room once in a while or else...

i resent this part. i resent that my job is always being blamed for my singlehood. why blame my job? why not blame me? am a neurotic, complicated, un-simple woman. i know what i want and usually it's not gettable. when it's totally off-limits. the people who want me, i want them only when i see signs of flight.

i tell BFF i need to see a shrink and she says there's no need for it. i ask our friend who has a ph. d. to counsel me but he refuses to as his own life is not in order. so much for free counseling.

seriously, aside from counseling, i've considered just going into the nunnery. i used to pray a lot and fear authority. i could be a great nun. i sing. like maria.

the beyonce experience

on the gravel, in our high heeled shoes and office clothes, J and I looked moneyed and corporate, but ultra uncool for not having tickets to go beyond the walls that separated the legit audience from the unticketed us. it was her idea to go and listen to beyonce and it was my last minute idea to buy tickets anyway and see her. she said ok but it was too late. we didn't know where to buy and didn't have the energy to look. (when we were at hi street, i was calling out "scalpers?" every once in a while. maybe not the wisest thing to do, but hey i like walking on hi street, which, is my most favorite place in the metro.)

anyway, we waited for beyonce to come out and say hello manila or hello philippines. the wail of the crowd signaled the start of the event. the air was thick with beyonce's deep voice. inspite of the wall and the tiny screen flickering from the distance, it felt like i was actually part of the beyonce experience.

comments:
1. i was disappointed that beyonce hardly ever addressed the crowd.
2. my officemate said that, despite no. 1, beyonce was amazing -- sexy, gyrating yet able to maintain the good quality of her singing voice
3. the makati policewoman manning the area i was at had a really cool uniform on. i want to wear that to my office costume party.

we heard beyonce, bumped into people we knew, got surrounded by biker dudes being trailed by skateboard dudes. we had dinner at texas grill (?) that served yukky food. their burger was expensive but bland. even their fries tasted weird. never going back there.

last night was fun, maybe because i was with my BFF (best friend forever -- haha) at my most favorite place, and she was telling me the good news that she was going to transfer to a company based in makati (finally!), or maybe because beyonce's presence was electrifying, or maybe i was just happy at the prospect that my life is so open like the football field anything could happen. like sitting in at a class where the teacher is uber cool.

okay that last sentence above is totally misplaced hence you won't get it. but i do.

last night i had that moment when i thought:

i love my single i-can-do-whatever-the-^%@#-i-want life.

in my happiness i texted some friends who made the following comeback:

put that on a bumper sticker. i'll buy.
isn't it nice to be an adult?
not sure how to respond. may gusto ba tayong patayin or something?

exactly the opposite. i don't want to kill nobody. on the contrary, i want to love love love.

+++

before going to bed, i chanced upon e.e. cummings (again. i read him in college):

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

heard that neil gaiman is coming to subic third week of november. i'm not a fan but i'm curious enough to see what the fuss is about. i've seen stardust, have read some of gaiman's graphic novels and even coraline, and know that he looks like a rock star. it'd be cool to see him but maybe not when i know that everybody who's more worthy to see him would be there.

so i tell X that i find it weird that gaiman's here whenever am not here. last time he was here, i was in japan. this time around i'll be in australia. X tells me maybe gaiman and I are like clark kent and superman. we could be one and the same person.

cool.

being busy and forgetting

tonight i was made to draft an urgent motion that is supposed to be filed early tomorrow. writing under pressure distracted me from what goes on around and what does not, and after i've finished my draft, that was the only time i thought about what i have found myself always thinking about. now as for when that would finally be wiped out from my thoughts, is a question i want answered.

you are my sweetest downfall

driving home last saturday night, we heard this on the radio and i couldn't help but gush. i've long heard this song but never really got the chance to listen to it completely.

while i crawled on edsa it felt like i was in a music video (ha-ha!) and that this was my song. never mind what the song is saying, never mind that the singer is russian. the melody is haunting and so are the lines "i loved you first, i loved you first".

a few hours later, he texted to say that he loved me first. how true, indeed.

dear sean,

it's 530 a.m. and i've not gotten any sleep at all. partly my fault because i indulged in a late night munch with a friend, even though i knew that my work for you was waiting here at the office.

have you gotten the scanned copy of the pleading i e-mailed you? did you know it took me more than an hour to figure out how the scanner worked, and another hour for me to break up the file and further reduce its size so that i could e-mail the copy to you?

am worried about what you may say about my draft memorandum. it's a complete rehash of our petition, and even though i wanted to add something even more fantastic in it, i dared not since opposing counsel simply changed the title of its comment to memorandum. in other words, i wanted to answer his lousy pleading with the fantabulous pleading that you have already seen. more importantly, it's halloween, and while everybody else is partying or sleeping, i'm here at work, trying not to get spooked.

anyway, you replied already. you seemed happy to hear from me. i hope you will still be happy when you read the memo.

gotta go, sean, sun will be out soon and i've not slept.

happy long weekend (though not so in the u.s. where you're at),
me

Please come late,
so that I have almost given you up
and have started glancing round the room,
thinking everyone is you.
Please don't come
until I have started missing you,
thinking I will never see you again,
praying you are lost.
Come too late for me not to notice.
Make me suffer,
wondering what you are doing
on the other side of town,
still in your dressing gown.
Make me beg for mercy
when you pick up a magazine.

Are you looking in your mirror,
suddenly remembering me?
I'm on my second coffee by now,
eating the little bits of sugar in my cup.
Haven't you set out yet?
I decide I don't want to see you after all.
I don't really like you.
I'd rather be on my own.
I know it is all over between us

but I go on sitting here,
reading a newspaper,
not understanding a word.
If you came in now, I wouldn't recognize you.
Don't come anywhere near me
until I have gone slightly mad for love of you.

- Hugo Williams

two

i have two before me. i can't wait to consume at least one. gotta look for a light.

could it be that, my old excuse is no longer an excuse and that am becoming hooked?

losing relevance

when you've become not present
you are unseen, unfelt, untouched
you have no voice
you are unheard
you are not here
almost forgotten for being
irrelevant.

boycott GMA.

in an attempt to be politically and socially relevant, i texted several friends last night my angry sentiments for erap's faster-than-lightning pardon. i'm boycotting the government, i want somebody to please get rid of the president, and most realistically, i want to get stoned and vandalize government or private property it doesn't matter. i am angry and want to take it out on something.

so at 1130 last night i turned off the tv, and prepared to sleep. it wasn't difficult at all, i slept knowing that thursday was going to be a whole new day and that so many things -- wonderful things, people, events -- awaited me.

i woke at 7 and snoozed the alarm til it was unforgivably late. J texted me and i thanked her, told her i wouldn't have survived anything without her.

she replied "you were there for me before too".

and THAT was what caused the tears to come.

waiting for wednesday

finally, wednesday is here. it's midweek, it's my badminton day. it's also the day when i put something to the test. at the end of today, i know i'll be asking myself, where do i go from here?

game over

as you may have noticed, i've changed almost everything about this blog, from the template to the title to my profile.

first, the color. gone is the gray template.

second, the title. i'm using something that i believe in. although i'd changed my blog title even before the glorietta blast, i feel even more strongly about carpe diem now.

third, my profile. i admit, i was cocky in writing that you should keep up with this girl who's reigning, raining on your parade. i don't feel that way now. mostly, i'm just resigned to the fact that i am at the mercy of the universe.

dear universe,

you know what i want. please go and fetch it for me. otherwise, please let me hide under the line in my life's plateau.

just got back from badminton queuing. tonight i played against kids, daddies, office girls in their twenties. the badings were there who wanted to be called not by their real names but by their screen names: greta and pauline luna.

i was with C, one of the older women in my sunday group. tonight she updated me about her separation from her husband. just recently he admitted to her that yes, he has another woman, somebody who is "simple", somebody who did not argue with him. C has also realized her mistakes -- she lead the relationship from day 1, and he showed her with too much love she took him for granted. but just like everything in hindsight, this realization is now useless. her husband has taken another woman and will not likely go back to her.

my own realization: i want a relationship that's balanced. i want somebody to argue with. i've not for a long time fought with anybody over the grandest or the stupidest thing. it's the fights, i think, that make lovers grow. if you just allow the other to do what the other pleased all the time, it's like you've rendered yourself voiceless, powerless. i want my partner to assert himself, to seek his place in my heart and stay there.

a sabena gathering

so there we were on saturday night, on L's house's upperdeck. L, M, my best friend J, ditse, and me. inside the den watching dora non-stop were M's daughter and L's son, both my inaanaks. they were very sleepy and yet their parents and their parents' friends were too thirsty to catch up on everybody's lives to even think of going home early.

we were all college friends, minus one (M2 - who is out of the country) and maybe minus another one (H - who is a surgeon and is thus always on call; i say maybe because H seemed more out than in with us - always busy, always busy). ditse is L's sister and we call her "dich" and the coolest ditse there probably was.

we were all partner-less that night. for various reasons.

L's hubby is a very busy man. we hardly ever see him and it's almost the same anyway because even when he's around, he doesn't say much to anybody. an in joke- he may think he's too good for his wife's friends. ha ha hah.

M is married but is now separated de facto. his wife wandered off to forbidden land and i feel that, all in all, my friend deserved so much better than her. M told us that maybe he subconsciously asked for this separation too, because even while they were still together, his fantasies about the future involved somebody else, not his own wife.

J's hubby is in dubai who has found a very good employment opportunity he would probably never find here. and yet while he is hours and miles away he could have very well been there with us, as he and J were always on the phone.

diche is an old soul who seems to look for a love that is still romantic and ideal. i don't intend to tag anything wrong with this view, it's just sooo different from my view of love. after so many years of being attached and being unattached and being almost attached and being not so attached and being attached to the wrong attachees, i have come up with an off-beat view of what an ideal relationship for me is.

we had dinner of pasta which L prepared and chicken which M brought. we had desert of brownies with vanilla ice cream on top. L is an amazing woman who teaches at the university (UP), takes care of son and husband, without any household help. the cleaning lady comes, yes, twice a week, but she's pretty much on her own. i already said she was amazing, right? i told her she reminded me so much of brie (of desperate housewives), without brie's neurosis. she doesn't watch DH and i felt relieved about that lest she misinterprets my comment.

after dinner we moved up to the deck and we started talking about developments in our lives. M went first, and although i had a general idea of what was happening with him (from J - yes, even good friends gossip about each other, but only in a good way), i was impressed by his story. a well-respected, intelligent and talented person is enamoured with my friend. too bad he's straight and too bad his sexuality is not negotiable. i teased M about this later "sayang, you're straight!" and he texted me he could still be straight and not masasayang. good point.

as for me, i narrated what was new with me and had to repeat every detail i was telling M in a hushed tone while we were still downstairs and while he was feeding his daughter. after all the stories were told and different opinions were shared, and after feeling judged by my friends for what i've done in my life and maybe still about to do -- i told them what my vision was, what i wanted and how i was going to achieve it. and, reminiscent of "the secret" video i sort of watched not too long ago with B and his sister, J and M told me to write what i want to achieve down, read it everyday and believe it would happen. they cautioned to be strictly specific, for the universe would only give you what you ask for, nothing more, nothing less.

we laugh about this a little, but J clarified that this is similar to praying. you keep on repeating the same prayer until it is given to you. inspite of myself, i resolved to write it down and read it everyday, until i get it.

j and i agreed to have a nightcap at starbucks somewhere off congressional, and there, where 2 best friends were left alone and could level with one another, we told things that could not be said back in L's house.

last night, M texted me that my aura was different that night while i was narrating my life story - that i was "radiant". we have known each other since 1991, when he was stringy thin and i unforgivably kulot , and maybe it was weird for him to see that i would eventually become somebody who was no longer tentative. i already stated here many times i used to be this nice and sweet girl i could have modeled for goldilocks. now i know i have fire in my belly and i'm going to use it to get what i want. ASAP.

(p.s. when J sends me some photos from the party, i'll post some here.)

Sabrina script transcript.

You won't be annoyed if I cry
at the boat, will you, Sabrina?

I'll be disappointed
if you don't, Father.

I'd feel better if you'd be angry
with me for allowing this to happen.

It wasn't your fault, Father.
It was mine.

I should have believed you.

There's a front seat
and a back seat and a window in between.

If it's any consolation,
one good thing's come out of it.

You did get over David, didn't you?

Dear David.
Yes, I did get over that. I'm cured.

Now, how to get over the cure!

It wouldn't have worked out really.

this is my favorite cousin, JR. he is one of the few people whom i consider as being malakas sa akin. whatever he wants from me, i will most likely give, if it was within my power to do so. (this pic was taken a few years ago, when JR was in his really payat form, and me, same.)

i'm 10 years older than JR. mainly, he grew up in my home. his parents' house was near ours at that time, and everyday as a child he would sleep at our house. since he was a baby, he slept in my bed. the sweetest, kindest kid i'd known at that time. he stopped sleeping in my bed after he got circumcised, ha ha ha, and i remember bringing him to delos santos exactly for that. i remember driving and he telling me to slow down because any movement hurt him.

i hardly see him now, but when i do, i still see the kid i took fondness of when i was young. by the way, i call him "kuya".

buzz words

kind appreciate free admire scared crash burn cry rise try live hope be happy.

a friend asks me how i'm doing and i tell her am surprisingly sane. am ambivalent about everything, almost unfeeling. i tell her i focus on what i need to do and block out thinking.

another friend told me that am so mental. ordinarily i'd treat this to mean that he thinks am loony, but apparently he means i overthink and never do anything. i know what i need to do and how to do it, but i never do anything. he told me, "wag kang masyadong matalino, d*****a..., just take action."

it appears that, for the last many years, i've been waiting for something to happen to me. i complain that nothing was happening and yet all this time there were certain things, events, people that came my way but i didn't do anything. i just waited for something to happen to me, but not the other way around.

is it too late? i hope not. can i turn my life around? hopefully so. i'm middle-aged and single. malakas ang dating, according to my badminton mate, and this i found very hard to believe. i used to be quiet and nice and sweet (you already know that). but now a boy tells me i've to tone my personality down lest i intimidate every single person i meet. now, who asked you mr. badminton mate? you are such a supladito yourself, but thankfully we hit it off and i consider you as one my favorite mates around. but i digress.

i gotta go somewhere, i don't know where, i don't know how, but i know i gotta be there. i am seeking, looking, i am chasing something. i don't know what it is but i won't stop until i find it.

he says he was leaving and i welcome the idea of being separated even for a bit. we've known each other for more than a decade, too long maybe that is allowed of people trying to be "just friends". i may lose him, he may lose me, but until and unless we separate, i will never find my way.

way to where? i don't know. with him, i am loved and my life is peaceful, safe, quiet. but i'm a crazy woman who finds something off in such a perfect setting.

life is too short and i am going to try to live it the most authentic way i can. i want to be certain, i no longer want doubts, i want to be true.

despite this gift of freedom i've gotten from him, i will endeavor to find my way around, and back. but if i get lost in the process, at least i will be able to say that i did not choose what was easy, i did not choose plan B. but in reality, there is no plan B, because there is no plan A.

the elated monday.

today i report for work after 11 days of not being here. yesterday morning i was telling a friend that i actually looked forward to monday. she said, monday should be elated as friday usually gets the vote.

today is what i call the litmus paper monday. why so? for reasons i cannot fully explain here. just trust me, it's now or never.

and just a few moments ago, monday became now, not never. i did it.

finally, i write.

no internet for the last seven days i didn't think i'd survive. last time i was typing was on a laptop on wifi in raffles hotel.

i'd missed writing, i'd missed this--- on my way here to the internet cafe i had gathered my thoughts on what i'd write about.

and here it is.

singapore changed my life. big, huh?

but it's true.

this is hard. i can't even write about it.

i'll just be silent muna. being silent makes me hear those that are more important than words.

conversation with god, who is in singapore:

me: hahaha. you are so funny. thank you. certain questions have been answered.
him: why funny?
me: i've asked for it many many years ago. finally, you've sent it to me here. now.
him: so why funny?
me: because it was better in my mind.
him: how so?
me: because in my mind i thought i was going to be different. but i'm not, i'm the same. i've stuck with who i am. and i'm very happy with me.
him: me as well.
me: thank you.
him: you're welcome. but you know? i'm clapping for you.
me: okay. why?
him: because you're still you.
me: thank you. can we move on to my next request?
him: which one?
me: (________________)
him: sure.

i leave tomorrow, but not without saying goodbye.

i don't know what awaits in singapore. work definitely, leisure, probably.

i had planned so many things about this trip. my mother was supposed to come, and then not. and so was my best friend, and then not. and now, i travel again, and i know it won't be as much fun as it would be if... I HAD THE MONEY TO BURN.

anyway. am partly kidding, partly not. it's like the weather. partly cloudy, partly rainy, partly sunny. or the season -- partly ramadan, partly halloween, partly christmas. am partly sleepy and partly hungry. i know i don't make sense but that's ok. i only really wanted to say goodbye.

see you.

so anyway, while i am affected about that, i want to write about the good things:

1. i'm off to singapore on thursday. the available flight is either too early or too late, and i've bravely chosen to fly too early.

2. i'll return sunday and will be on leave the following week. i intend to attend badminton queuing on monday and wednesday, play again wednesday night and hopefully friday night, and sunday morning.

3. my badminton group that plays at don antonio sports center has certified champs. at a recent tourney sponsored by a UP org, two of our boys and two of our girls came out champions. i do intend to compete one day, and maybe after a few more months i'll have the strength to finally put myself out there for the experience. to win would be nice but that's kinda farfetched at this time. i just want to be able to play a good challenging game.

4. i'll be on leave in november for 2 weeks, and in december, after our office christmas party, i'm gone.

i didn't think i'd ever reach this point, but i have. i'm almost angry that a friend keeps on rejecting my invites to have a bite or just have a few moments of chitchat. always busy, always busy. it's probably true but, personally, even if i were busy, i'd never been too busy to a friend who's obviously reaching out.

i'll never ask again.

ateneo lives for another day.

i don't really care. really. except that people here are kinda agog over the game which has just finished a few moments ago.

however, in honor of all the atenistas i've ever loved (and will still love - hehe),
go ateneo!

and my cousin lives. he's now out of the ICU.

i'm writing while it's fresh.

i'm taking a break from the hospital vigil. he's there at the ICU, trying to breathe, looking on with his big round eyes, eyes that try not to cry. he looks as if he's waiting for you to do something. you don't do anything. except wait.

the doctor says there is no best case scenario and that we must prepare for the worst. his heart has only 22% activity that prevents oxygen from being distributed into the body. he's intubated and yet he finds it hard to breathe. remember izzie's boy in grey's anatomy? it's like that. his heart could just stop anytime.

but mine won't. he's my young cousin, a young kid, only 24. what was i doing when i was 24? i was graduating from law school. i feel sorry for King, for the life that he's lived. he has not been as lucky as i have been. his parents were different, didn't take care of them very well. he was a victim of his family.

i'm sorry King. i may have helped you too late.

if you go, please accept my heartfelt apologies for all the times i should have acted more like a proper 'ate'.

before i left the ICU, i told him i loved him, and he, despite the tube in his mouth and his difficulty, mouthed 'i love you' and cried.

a socio-psychology experiment reveals: eyes can't resist beautiful people.

i agree. this explains why my eyes dart across 4 courts on sunday mornings just to see the once-pretty-math-teacher-in-cycling-shorts who is now at least 14 years older, but still looking pretty. his wife plays with him mind you, and i have no interest whatsoever to break up their happy home (as if!) but my eyes, they kinda have a mind of their own. once pretty and still pretty boy is something to look at.

reminds me of this other person with car license plate ded 200, my best friend's crush (boy, did he crush her heart) and everytime she would see him she would gush and we would watch the latagaw because he played and though i didn't know squat about soccer then i just went and watched and cheered and enjoyed the view. sometime later i realized that my best friend's crush had become mine it was all so funny.

p.s. in 2004 while i was heading out of a party, i saw mr. ded 200's familiar face. i couldn't help but freeze! it was like junior year in college all over again. i called my bestfriend and told her he's here he's here and she goes "oh well, sorry for him i'm happily married". ganon???? some people outgrow their stupid crushes just like that???

p.p.s. why am i so emotional, mr. ded 200 was not even my crush to begin with.

i know. another title. the title changes every two days, i think.

i've been thinking of what title to use, something that's more real that what it appears to be. although i do write about me, i've realized that it's really not all about me.

unearthed: some poem from circa 1998. illustrates that sometimes, it can be all about somebody else.

Anticipation

do we or do we not?
are you or are you not?
two days until the big day
you still have not confirmed.

i could imagine Saturday morning
my eyes staring at the ceiling
arms flung to the sides
i could see your face in my head,
and all the things that happened Friday night
and all the things that didn't.

this made me stay home the whole sunday afternoon.

after winning, the girls from UP posed for the cameras with their "rock on" and tongue sticking out poses. and it made me realize they were different from all the other girls in the competition. the la salle women were dainty and had long hair, the ateneo girls were the same. the UP girls had short hair and an in-your-face attitude. i wasn't anything like that back in the day. while maybe i'm spunkier now. but boy i was such a dweeb.

the other day angrykid made this comment after i said that somebody we both know wanted to go out with me: "he's got good taste."

i was stunned. for a moment, i expected angrykid to say something like yuckkk or whatever derogatory hirit. but it didn't come. it was a compliment i didn't expect.

so before i knew it, i was telling angrykid "you're so sweet!" with matching gesture of feeling touched and then angrykid said (here goes): "yuckkkk, hindi bagay. you're acting pa sweet and di bagay sa yo."

exactamento. back in law school, a guy asked me while we were walking: "did you know that you're such a sweet person?" it was a weird question which i didn't know how to answer. i was class president and only wanted to know if he had gotten his xerox of the cases for the day. i said "no" and he said "yes" and asked me what was going on at home.

well, i just know my parents and uncles used to call me "sweet" when i was little. "sweet" was my nickname. now, am so the opposite of sweet i need to take a bath 3 times a day. oh no. what has become of me?

but do i want the old me back? a resounding NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

+++++++++++++

still on the UAAP cheerdance, this is also what separates the UP women from the la salle women.










res ipsa loquitur.

truisms

"flight is evidence of guilt." - rene saguisag

i quote saguisag and angrykid says he hates this dictum. he says "yah, and the innocent is as brave as a lion." i said, blame the SC, they were the ones that made this flight-as-evidence-of-guilt dictum a truism.

but come to think of it, it's true. you never know when one is employing flight because he is guilty or is merely afraid to face his enemies, especially if he has a weak heart. applies to women too. when a woman flies off, it may be because she is guilty or that she is in denial.

anyway, sorry about that. this is my third post today. am on a roll. and i haven't even started to tell you about the possessed meat i encountered at pancake house. and the wonderful 99-peso T-bone steak i had at kalayaan avenue in qc.

playing hooky

i did it. yesterday, i went to the don antonio sports complex for my first badminton queueing experience.

there were 3 women (aside from me) and 3 men in attendance. the 3 women looked like mommies in their late forties, women who could afford not to go to work. pensionadas, insulares, peninsulares (okay i admit, i never understood what the last 2 words meant. gotta read my noli and el fili again). they had nice rackets which gleamed under the lights.

as for the 3 males, one looked like a daddy type who is learning his new sport, one a lanky kid who wears a tourney shirt who's probably not yet out of college, and the last one it appeared to me as a regular manong who plays basketball on the street. including myself, we were a group of 7 badminton addicts who played and sweated for more than 3 hours.

my first time was good, very very good. i got to compete against the women who knew how to smash. the daddy type and i paired against two of these ladies and we were badly beaten. i wanted to yell, hey daddy, please stop trying to win at the net. come here at the back and show them some power!

oh well, here was a guy who didn't seem to mind being crushed by two women. if he's cool, i'm cool.

i'll come back. during my leave, when i'm legitimately allowed to play on a monday. :-)

always ask

i treat larry's business card as one of the more prized contacts i would ever have. he's a counselor for economic affairs of the US embassy. i've met with him twice and our talks have ranged from the outright official to the downright personal. i know he's divorced and gets to spend time with his kids for 6 weeks a year. this year he brought the kids to sagada and baguio. i've not even gone to sagada. doubt if i ever will.

last friday, i decided to ask larry a favor. maybe he could help my officemate's driver get a US visa. maybe. maybe it wouldn't hurt to ask him. or maybe it would. for a moment, i doubted my decision -- should i really risk my goodwill with him over a favor that will not benefit me? but i know lucas' story too well. it's one of those i want to go to america kind of dreams, the kind that does not get answered favorably too often. but lucas' situation may be more unique than others. he has the backing of a whole family who can afford to support him while there.

i wrote larry. i started with an official chit-chat. then i proceeded to the main purpose of my e-mail. if this e-mail could somehow help lucas get a visa, i thought that maybe i should send it to you, larry. i apologize for however this may come out but i had to ask. i had to ask.

so larry said sorry i can't help you there. he doesn't know lucas. and he believes lucas has very little chance of being granted a visa. i replied thanks and that even though it was a long shot, i thought it wouldn't hurt to ask.

larry said "thanks. yeah. always ask. if i could..."

lesson learned: always ask. you must ask otherwise it can never be given to you.

am feeling lightheaded, almost happy. i just turned in my request for vacation leave. i will be gone one week in october, almost 2 weeks in november (for work and for leisure) and another 2 weeks in december. that's a total of 19 working days and weekends here and there and some official business in singapore and australia.

because i'm happy, i'm going out to have dinner and have a drink with an umbrella on it.

there was something different about today.

first, i woke up really really late. i had a 9 a.m. hearing yet i got out of bed at 8:05 a.m. ang kapal ng mukha, noh? but i could sense that something good was going to happen at the hearing anyway, so why rush? i knew luck was on my side.

and i was right. opposing counsel greeted me and asked for a postponement. apparently, he was sick. i looked at him, and searched for th02e sick look on his face and didn't find it. but i didn't care. sure, reset! sure, sure, sure.

and you know whatelse?

right now, i am confident. i believe that everything i touch will eventually turn to gold. loyola grand villas: here i come!

(p.s. you may ask, what the h is that photo doing in this post? my answer: nothing. it looks pretty.)

the night before christmas

in this country, the christmas seasons starts with the opening of the -ber months. in honor of the yuletide season of 2007, in this chilly weather i will now go home and play some christmas music, and drink hot cocoa. i will wish everybody merry christmas and believe that this year will be my happiest christmas E-VER.

the past days i've found myself in the same courtroom, flanked in the front bench with the same people with changing outfits but same hair-dos. the judge adopts the same knowing smile and squinting eyes. (his big hair appears to be bigger the last time though.)

i represent a company being sued, together with 2 others. the plaintiff and the respondents are all business partners and have been so for several years. they executed contracts they didn't read, performed verbal contracts they should have documented, signed documents they don't remember signing -- pretty much your case from hell considering the convolution of facts and fiction involved. throw in an opposing counsel who resorts to high drama everytime he receives an objection ("are you nostradamus? ARE YOU NOSTRADAMUS? why are you objecting? do you really know what i'm going to ask?")


this is your local version of boston legal. wait, maybe it's more aly mcbealish than anything. imagine a threesome gone reaaaally bad.

i see them week after week, sometimes only with a few days in between. we conduct continuous hearings, we brave the rain and the flood, we even lose our slippers to petty thieves sometimes. whenever i'm there i can't help but scan the footwear of the staff or the strangers outside the courtroom. those white slippers are forever gone.

last hearing was my first time to cross the first witness. i only had 2 questions. TWO. they say the best cross is the one that has a direction and that direction must be reached in the shortest time possible. i was preceded by highdrama lawyer who crossed the witness for almost three hours. he jumped from one point to another, asked propounding questions on the same point, to the point of exhaustion. i could've sworn the stenographer was almost in tears for doing shorthand for 3 hours non-stop. [which makes me think: court stenographers are very powerful during sessions. imagine 2 lawyers shouting at each other, arguing over an improper question (or an objection) and the court stenographer butting in, "attorney, you said...?" of course she had to note it all down. even the most humiliating, foulest utterance is recorded. e.g., expensive lawyer asks the witness "do you know what a portalet is? if i hold office in a portalet, would you consider that as my place of business?" to show that the witness is holding an office in a makeshift, hence, no physical address, hence, improper venue.]

i stand up, they object. why am i crossing? "why? this witness is obviously her own witness!" i vehemently deny it. one says "she waived any objection to the injunction!" so? i never waived the right to cross examine. i tell him give me a few minutes and i will point to the TSN where i reserved the right to cross. he backs off, knowing that i studied the TSN and he hasn't even gotten his copy. a chicken in a suit.

i ask a question, one objects. i find my way out and i look at the judge. the judge says, "ask your question." woo-hoo. i get around a swanky lawyer at least 10 years my senior and i thank the judge. i ask my questions, get the answers i need, i say that is all and the judge surely loves me for it.

the two lawyers do their re-cross and my brain shuts down. i am tired and hungry and want it over and done with. i think about where we are going to have lunch and become happy to hear two words: Jade Garden.

laid on the passenger's seat are two bouquets, carefully wrapped in plastic. i look at them and i smile, remembering how i got them.

i was told to put them in the car lest i forget to bring them to makati. various flowers, hearts, all in lively colors, consist each bouquet. it warms my heart knowing how somebody would spend their time creating something to give to you, when a lot of time could be spent playing, watching television, sleeping or by being just a child.

the 2 bouquets are rolled pieces of fax paper on which isobel drew and colored flowers, butterflies and wrote my name beside hers, a heart in between. if this wasn't true love, i don't know what is.

last friday a good friend gamely tagged along to a private event where the band i was jamming with was performing for the night. i had intended to go alone, a brave thing to do, actually, but i decided to ask her three words early friday night:

"what's your g?"

"wala nga eh."

"tara, am singing at this function with this band, wanna come?" and she did.

we left makati at 7 and got there a few minutes before 830. it was raining that night yet i braved driving through the wet and traffic as there was one thing in my mind: i was going to sing with a band before a live audience. so

we reached the place and i made chika with the evergracious mon, before getting onstage. there were 2 girls who sang before i did, and that kinda caused me some jitters about being compared. but then again, did their opinion matter? i knew that i was singing not for them, but for me, to accomplish a silent dream -- a secret desire. i was initially scared a little realizing that the audience might expect a professional singer... but, after hearing myself and the prompt applause that followed after i sang a few lines of my first song, and believing that i sounded right, i was very pleased.

From the original sun signs queen, my best friend of 17 years.

You are being governed by the law of inertia.

You are in the same state and will remain so unless something happens to you. Normally you wait for an external force but I think for humans it can be something internal like making up your mind about what to do regarding your state of affairs.

I say I will make up my mind really soon.

She says, now is a good time as any.

Aaaarrrg.

i take a good look at myself and realize that i have changed a lot in just a few months. i used to be a nice person. don't get me wrong, i'm not a criminal, i'm not a bad person, it's just that recently, i find myself comfortable to say things i would not dream of saying years ago.

to illustrate, because i was already impatient with a pirate with whom we entered into a compromise agreement but not after an ugly verbal confrontation in the past, i told her over the phone just a few days ago: "alam mo, talagang ayaw na kitang makausap..." pirate casually retorted: "ako din, attorney, talagang ayaw din kitang makausap." ha ha. i answered back: "you think i'm enjoying this? i'm not. i don't ever wish to speak with you again. don't you dare have a piece of that merchandise on your shelf after december or i'd be suing you." the last part is actually based on a compromise agreement. i need not have stated it but i wanted to because she actually made me very very mad. when my lady boss learned about it later, she told me that i was turning into her. male boss said, that is NOT a good thing. :O

just recently, i attended my pasay hearing where opposing counsel was pestering me about my client's theory of the case (we haven't filed our answer). he asked me, whose side are you on, anyway? (i replied just like your client, my client is a co-defendant in this case.) he said, but if that were so, how come you're not objecting? you're not going to present any witness during the injunction hearing and you're not cross-examining the plaintiff's witness? (my boss, after i told him about this, told me that i should have said what is it to you???) (but i directed my answer to the judge: your honor, i'd appreciate it very much if opposing counsel would stop teaching me how to argue my own case!) the judge was amused. really amused.

opposing cousel 2 joined the bandwagon and asked me, how come you're admitting this document, blah blah blah? and don't you know that by doing so, you are admitting that it's etc etc? (in my head: yes, mister counsel, i'm admitting all of that and more. you have no idea what i'm going to do here.)

in an incredulous tone, i exclaimed in open court, "i am not a witness! please stop questioning me!"

while hearing was still ongoing and we were sitting beside each other, opposing counsel in his hugo boss suit whispered to me, i am sorry pañera, this is nothing personal. i patted him lightly on the back and told him, don't worry i enjoyed myself tremendously. i think we made a pretty good show for the people at the back.

happy to get a text from a friend who said that just maybe, our plan was working. the big plan was that she should do A to get B. now, at least, B seems like an attainable plan. good.

earlier today, another girl friend called to ask for advice regarding this person she is seeing who appears to be either coming or going. all the time. hence: source of major confusion. i tell girlfriend no. 2 that "this is what you must do, you gotta enjoy it for whatever it's worth but do not freeze yourself because you never know, he might be mr. wrong (if she hasn't figured that out YET) and that you're missing mr. right by being around mr. wrong all the time". she kept silent for a while and tried to argue with me. what about their friendship? it's so nice to have that kind of friendship with mr. wrong. i said: *&#@ friendship. you already have a lot of friends. a little while later, she agreed and we hung up.

sorry, was just being real and practical.

cracking the sunday code part II

an exception to the sunday evening dip is a long weekend. woo-hoo!

i love ninoy. and all the national heroes who died for our country to give us long weekends! mabuhay kayo! (pun intentional)

yesterday i had to be at the pasay city hall for a 10 a.m. hearing. at exactly 9 a.m. i stepped out of my building in my suit and leather shoes. i was going to a hearing after all. i knew already that finding a ride was going to be difficult, but i didn't expect that it was going to be that hard.

i waited for about 15 minutes and gave up. i texted my co-counsel and asked her would our hearing push through? it was traffic everywhere. she said she wasn't sure and i knew i had to be out of makati soon. i rushed back to my unit and changed to an A-skirt and slippers. my shoes and pleadings were soon wrapped in plastic and stashed into my carry-all bag. never mind style, it was 920 a.m.

i bravely walked to the MRT station in ayala, crossed ankle-deep waters at various points which was thankfully clear. it was a nice surprise to know later that the MRT cars have been segregated for females and males. the car i rode was full of girls who were all freezing in the cold, like i was.

by 940 i was at taft avenue. i had a vague idea where the city hall was but i knew it was near. no taxi. i walked to the other side and braved the shin-deep waters which was at that point not so clear. i asked a tricyle driver if it was OK for me to cross the street, i was scared that the MMDAs might apprehend me for jaywalking. maybe the tricycle driver thought i was out of my mind, but i didn't care.

after crossing, it dawned on me: I SHOULD TAKE A TRICYCLE TO THE CITY HALL! i saw one and asked the driver if he could bring me to the city hall. he said yes, and for a few seconds our eyes locked: i could sense he was debating whether to tell me in advance how much it was going to cost me, but he dropped it. i thought anyway that it didn't matter how much he would charge me... i had to get to court fast. (later my clients asked me how i reached the court. i said i took a "taxi" from the MRT station. i didn't want them to know that their lawyer took a tricycle to court.)

after a few minutes i reached the court. i paid the driver extra and rushed to the courtroom. i didn't know where the ladies' room was. but hey, i didn't want to go to the ladies' room. the pasay hall of justice was dark and ugly.

i changed into my baon shoes. since my slippers were wet, i placed them in a plastic bag and asked 2 female janitors if i could leave them right outside. one of them snapped at me: put them there, don't disturb us, we're busy. i obliged. i went inside the court room. the opposing counsels were in dark suits, their hair all sleek and their english polished. i was cold in my skirt, squirming in my shoes, i had not dried my feet when i wore them. the judge never arrived and we were left to set another hearing date.

thankfully, i left the courtroom. from where i stood, it was obvious that my slippers were gone. they were wet and used... who the @#*& would steal them????

sometime later while watching the news, i learned that everybody got stuck in traffic and missed their appointments, including the president and quentin tarantino. apparently, tarantino had to take a pedicab to malacañang and changed his wet sandals for newly bought shoes which ill-fitted him. this bit of info amused me. quentin and i had something in common pala. we were both victimized by typhoon egay.
except that his sandals did not get stolen.

as we agreed over dinner, i introduced my new car to J and K. i was like a kid showing off my new toy, and they, despite having so many nice toys themselves, agreed that my toy is indeed pretty.

the old me would have been more excited than i am right now, and all i can say is that maybe i have become mature. my religion teacher would have been mighty proud of how i turned out to be.

cracking the sunday code

everybody lives for the weekend. by friday afternoon we start feeling a little electrified, like anything can happen on a friday night. you start making plans with your friend, your almost significant other, your sister's friends, or the spa, for a friday night that is always too young to end... you say thanks gad its friday and mean it, even though its gramatically wrong.

then comes saturday, and you wake up really late, almost mid-day, because you had an all nighter drinking coffee that was supposed to keep you talking and talking. you spend saturday the way you want to, you sleep late again, knowing that you can still wake up late on sunday morning.

by sunday lunch you get a little antsy, a few hours to go and it would get dark, and by then, you'd have to finally achieve your best rest-state, to psych yourself up for monday again. you worry about the little time remaining which you can still call as all yours. by 6 pm, you experience a mood dip. you wonder why you have to go through this TGIF-BTIM (bad trip it's monday) cycle. it's stupid. must figure this out.

continuation:

dear miss hellotigerkitty aka The Bride from Kill Bill (kills everybody on sight),
i may have in fact figured out a plausible answer, an antidote to that post-saturday pre-monday dip... and i've formulated it in my head even before i posted my thoughts above.

in my post above, i illustrated what happens on friday, saturday and sunday, but i wasn't finished. i have yet to explain what also happens on monday.

on monday, you wake up feeling a little rested (a little is better than nothing), and you rush to get to work. since you're anxious to get to work, your mind is active, you are distracted from your angst the night before. the sunday before you were convinced that your angst would continue on monday morning, but while monday is happening, you start to mind the real things that you are supposed to face, and you forget about that pre-monday angst.

when late monday afternoon comes, and the day starts to wind down. you are happy that the day is almost over and you survive it. you are pleased that tuesday is nearing and that pretty soon it will be midweek.

so between midweek and friday is just one day: thursday. so, after all this analysis, i have come up with one conclusion, if there is any day that i must hate, it's thursday. because it gets in the way of friday.

a late post for jude.

i'm sorry, jude, i had really wanted to see you before you left. did i have a valid excuse? maybe not, but i tried to see you. the rains in manila didn't help, and that i knew traffic and parking would be a real problem. throw in my heavy work and late hours at the office, and the fact that i would not be seeing just you, but all the other familiar faces from the past; those i was not in the mood to be seeing then.

i remember you as the cheerful one with a ready smile. i remember you helping me with the campaign, and thinking of ways how to fund it. looking back, i sort of knew it had everything to do with the fact that you were doing it really more for her than for the alliance.

i remember the time you became my pseudo-date to my ball... because she was with someone else at that time? anyway, am sure you knew then that it was something i wanted to do for you in return, to come to my ball and see her even while she came with her own date. hmmm. that must have felt terrible, jude.

i wasn't certain about what was really happening then, but i was glad that you and she ended up together.

but after a year or so, i remember noticing something changing in you -- your demeanor changed, you were not as friendly anymore. of course, you had to be different, you've become the president of your fraternity and the image change came with the territory.

but even then, when i remember you, i remember the times you were the guy i knew who pursued what he wanted, and got it.

i am sorry i failed to say goodbye, but maybe it's better this way, i'd like to remember you as the plumpish guy who had chinky eyes and an easy smile.

i had been in denial about being sick until finally it caught up with me last saturday. after a night spent talking over max brenner hot italian choco, my throat suffered a whipping saturday morning and pretty soon i was coughing away like anything.

problem: i had 2 major appointments last saturday. one was the opening of a friend's coffee place in QC while the other, a jamming session with my opposing counsel's band some 3 minutes away from my house. it was a cold night and i had already informed opposing counsel that i was not in my top singing form but he kindly reminded me that i could go home anytime as i lived close by. good point. that, plus the fact that he's my opponent in one case and i didn't want him to think i snubbing him.

off i went in my track jacket, my sister's "shining pink stars".

when i reached his place, i was not sure if i found the right address. i could hear nothing from the outside. then the gate opened and i was led to the back area, where i saw a basketball court, a stage (no kidding) and a semi-acoustic band playing. there was archie (who played acoustic guitar and the lead vocalist), joel who played another acoustic guitar (who reminded me of andy gibb), the bassist whose name i forget and the drummer whose name i also can't remember. (told you i was sick.) nevertheless, they were four and they were good enough for me.

my repertoire? burn by tina arena. i want to know what love is. time after time. and night and day (bossa nova- which they said they didn't do but i made them do anyway.) later, some guy arrived who played a really mean classical guitar and whose stylings could make you wanna worship him. over dinner break, he played "like a lover" and i just went on to sing and the group broke out in an unexpected applause. same also when i played "you should Know by now" and "tell me".

okay, am sorry, this sounds all mayabang. it's just that i just wanna write it all here because i want to always remember that night, when i felt happy and confident and appreciated for my creativity. i remember saying that, if i would have an alternate career, it would be as a singer with a live band.

the group went on to play their covers - and they were surprised that i could jam with them even with old hits such as "we can work it out", "feelin' groovy" and "ventura highway". i remembered my dad, and wished that he could hear me sing. when i got home that night, my dad asked me how it went and i told him i had a great time and i wished that one day, he could come with me. maybe he would.

while at the elevator
i pondered about __________ while
looking down at the reflection of my shoes
on the silver elevator door and
i took comfort in the fact
that whatever had to happen, happened
and that somehow this will right itself
in due time.

it has been a while and with valid reason. i've been nosebleeding understanding chemical compositions and pharmacokinetics and bioavailability. it's interesting but i think my right brain can only stretch so much to the left side.

as you know, am better in the arts, language (sorta) and the law (dapat lang).

math and science make me cry.

that's what's nice about my practice. there's almost always a new thing that you encounter everyday. just like 2 days ago, who would have thought that opposing counsel in a case i think he should be losing, invited me to jam with his band on saturday night? he's almost my neighbor in qc, and his band is all-male, which does not intimidate me, because it means i get to sing all the female songs.

lest you might think that the invite is also a come-on, it's not, opposing counsel is middle-aged, a daddy type, married to my sorority sister and has long hair like freddie aguilar.

last night a friend recounted her face-off with reality: i sat and listened, and found myself feeling for her, not just because she's my friend but because what she went through i am quite familiar with. i am familiar with the uncertainty, of the fall after the dive, of the hurt that comes with the knowledge that there are certain things that do really end.

fortunately for my friend, her story has not ended. it's ongoing, it's waiting to happen. and despite the sign that says "jaded" hanging on my front door, i actually am sitting on a hammock at my backyard, sipping lemonade. it's a lovely summer's day and i can't wait to see how beautifully this story is going to end.

"gone to a happy place. be back in five minutes."

it's friday night, i've finished major work this week and i've more to do next week. but for some reason i feel happy and liberated because it's friday and i'm certain that one major work will be finished and filed on monday, upon client's demand.

+++

had lunch with best friend today. as usual, we shared whatever is in our heads right now and when it was my turn, i told her i wanna get something out of my head. she thinks am overly-concerned about disclosure. apparently, some people just run around saying taboo things to people all the time.

what is it that i want to say?

that i want to be de-cluttered. (un-cluttered?)

how do you measure a year?
in daylights, in sunsets
in midnights, in cups of coffee
in inches, in miles
in laughter, in strife?

how do you measure a year in the life?
how about love?

the boy who cried wolf

the boy who has a smile on his face and a song in his heart warned me the other day that i was beginning to sound like somebody we know who pretends not to know sharon cuneta (really.) this somebody, although he is weird, is a good person and is always always kind to me, so i won't say anything else about him other than "sino'ng ginago nya?"

anyway, the boy who has a smile and a song made this comment because i had been in the habit of telling him stuff only to say later on that i was just joking. most of the time i would say jokejokejoke and expect to be scotfree. it was one of the very few times the boy who has a smile and a song would ever point out what's wrong with me (not that there's nothing wrong with me, except that he is not in a habit to tell me what's wrong with me so when he does, i know it's for real. i shut up and listen.) knowing now that he takes me seriously most of the time, i know that i must be careful with my jokejokejoke otherwise i'd be considered as the girl who cried wolf.

on to my point: i have been complaining about work and the fact that i can't stand it anymore. i know i've written about it here too many times that even you are already quite familiar with my work angst. if you think am only going through one of them bad days, maybe you're right. but let me say that this is the second day that i've cried at work. yesterday i cried because i was tired, and today, because i didn't know where the latest draft of my demand letter (a difficult one, not just your usual template) went. it was not in my folder, it went to that temporary internet file folder. anyway, everytime somebody would bring in a pile of folder i can't help but complain.

why is this big news? because i don't cry. i don't cry anymore.

this is a very badly-written post. but it's okay by me because you know how i feel? my feeling is more rotten than my writing.

dropping in to say am alive, am here, so i won't lose you, dear reader.

it's friday night and my friend is here and we're off to the spa. but am still waiting on somebody to kinda chill and let me go please. i'm so pissed that an issue is being made over the superest stupidest thing. (my friend butts in: hey, that's arguable, that's relative. i say, i don't care it's my blog.)

this is my resignation letter:

dear all.

i am leaving you.

i've realized that i will always, ALWAYS be your slave.

thank you and best regards.

me

feeling sick these days. and the rain doesn't help.

rainy days and mondays always get me down. yesterday i finished major stuff and found myself sick by the end of the day. i was totally bummed out yesterday.

these year at wimbledon the plays got suspended and delayed because of the rain. the usual notice plastered across the tv screen was:

play suspended due to rain.

the first time i saw that notice, i smiled and thought: how nice would it be if you could just tell your bosses:

work suspended due to rain.

while i live 100 meters away from the office, i don't have an umbrella. that's such a major problem.

(that photo up there is the cover of mr. c's album. credits go to him and his record producer. and layout artist. i'm an ip lawyer after all.)

i did it. the thing that has been lurking at the back of my mind, the one that has caused me worries snowballing as the days passed by--- i did it.

i finally found the inertia to touch something i should have touched a million years ago but didn't. this inertia kept me going : no bathroom break, no water break, no yosi break, no nothing. after over 5 hours, i had finished reviewing 7 reports. i hope that it's not too late to be on top of this NOW.

lucky star, please make me survive this one. oh please please please

in my 8 years of being in this profession, i've corresponded with numerous contacts worldwide. of all these contacts, i've yet to hear from a correspondent from japan who wasn't nice. i think the japanese are nice.

a correspondent asked me via fax today: how come i haven't replied to their e-mail? i replied that i did reply then.

tonight i got this fax message:

"dear ms. (me)

we appreciate your reply. moreover, we understand the situation of process for this matter, you did. thank you very much."

i don't really understand what the above note means, except that maybe the lawyer is saying that yes indeed i previously replied to their e-mail, which they didn't get, unfortunately, but that they appreciated that i replied then, and that i replied again today via fax. but there is something about the carefully handwritten note that shows the effort of the letter writer to make me understand that they appreciated my effort.

awww. i love the japanese.

so, a boy told me today that i've gotten "fat". and that it was supposed to be a compliment.

since when did that become a compliment?

anyway, i told him that i used to be conscious about gaining weight but now, i'm cool with it. and so i wonder why. why oh why am i cool with it.

because i'm lazy to go to yoga. i'm lazy to go to the gym. it's only badminton that i really like going to these days. i like it when i play well. when i don't, i try not to act affected but i don't make fun of my mistakes either. i just do my best to win the next point, the next set and the next game.

going back, a boy told me i've gotten fat and that he was supposedly complimenting me. whatever.

somebody recounted the answers to an icebreaker in a lawyers' seminar where the participants were asked to share something that's weird about themselves. one bulky but witty guy shared that despite his size, he is fit. another said she is tone-deaf. while listening to this kwento, i silently wondered what i would have said had i been there.

what is weird about me?

...

....

my friends/officemates would probably say that i talk to myself... but this is not entirely true. i don't talk to myself; i think out loud.

i discussed this with a friend over alcohol last friday, and i've realized the world of a difference between "talking to me" and "thinking out loud": i don't talk to me. i don't talk to me because if i do, it would involve some serious thinking, some going into a zone that i've been avoiding going to these past year... i don't like talking to me because i don't know what to say. worse, i have nothing to say. how bad is that? to have nothing to say to yourself.

now in thinking out loud you just verbalize your thoughts, and these thoughts may be about anything and everything that has nothing to do with yourself. which is less heavy than talking to yourself for the reason i've illustrated above.

my friend commented: i'm surprised because you seem to be somebody who in fact overthinks things.

i said: that's just another thing! you may be the nth person to tell me that i think too much.

which is just weird when i don't even want to go into "that zone" when i think, because when i do, well, i overthink things. and by the time i'm done overthinking the food has become stale, the ride over.

so i told my friend, when am alone, i busy myself with things, like keep the TV on, even when am not really watching. i do my laundry. i clean up. anything, except read because when i read it becomes silent and i'm confronted with the stillness of my own company.

baby pics.

my sister sent me scanned photos from my childhood. i took a one good look and immediately came to a cold bitter realization: i looked absolutely hideous. now, there's a story i've heard about the night i was born, that my father was asking the people at the hospital whether there was somebody else who gave birth--- could it be that his real daughter was switched with me? i was purplish, pruny, and bald.

i'm there somewhere. look for the chubby kid with the fat face and that would be me.

many times i've asked my father what if, somebody comes knocking on his door to say that she was his real daughter? would he exchange her for me? the answer, of course, is obvious, but it's such a pity that it had even come to that. MY FATHER FEARED THAT I WAS SWITCHED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. hah!

whoever or whereever the real me is, sorry na lang. i am in your place. i have your nice warm family, and your friends, and your comfy little place in makati. i have your rocking chair, and your tv where i watch wimbledon every night this past week, and i have your future, which is so bright i gotta wear shades.