magsusumbong ako.

i have not been eating well. i can't even get up from my seat to get water. i have to request somebody to get for me and if he's not there, i won't have any. i ask the telephone operator to connect me to nearby restos for delivery. this is because i don't have time to get out and buy my own food. this means i don't have any break at work. my break would be to go to the bathroom which i rarely do because i don't even get to drink water.

when i leave the office late at night, i still bring home work. i sleep with the light on so when i do wake in the middle of the night i would remember that i have to be working.

and work keeps on piling up. they keep giving me work. big things, little things, interesting things, stupid things. my out tray gave way tonight, i piled folders and folders on it and then it collapsed. other days i would have found this funny, but tonight, it was not funny at all.

i told somebody i am too tired to be angry. i don't think this will ever stop. and despite it all, i am not even getting a decent raise.

i wanna quit. i don't wanna quit.

boarding

am here, typing, waiting for my flight. i'm about to go somewhere and i'm here cramming, enjoying this escape. i want to write but time is short and i am going to get called soon. somebody will call my phone, or come into this cramped space where i type.

i want to write that to get here, i hitchhiked. then came the point when the car had to go somewhere else so I got off, thanked the driver and walked up to here. now i'm here, a little dusty, but am ready for my flight.

last saturday, while parking at robinson's supermarket in tandang sora, 2 streetkids approached and told me that they were going to watch the car while i was gone. i said ok, but only to one of them. i said my car was only one anyway. it was a weird reasoning but the children seemed to get it. they snickered and agreed. then i remembered something that happened between me and some streetkids in tomas morato.

last year, i went to morato to join my sister and her friends (now mine) have coffee. since i came from makati, i was hungry and irritable. it was late (past 1 am), and the restos in the area were no longer open, or were not taking new orders. i sulked while they happily drank their coffees at starbucks. i wanted food.

i wandered off to see whatever place was still open. then-- there, a little off the corner of the street, was burger machine. i've not had BM for maybe a decade and was not excited to have it that time, but i had no choice. now, for those of you who know me, you'd know that i am most cranky when hungry. this lays down the predicate of what was about to happen with me at that street corner.

while figuring out what the heck a particular burger was from another, a kid came up to me. in the usual "paawa" voice, he asked for money. i said, later, please, i am hungry and want to order food. he kept on coercing me, however, and i warned him, in a more stern tone that should have told him to back off. the kid pressed on, and suddenly i found myself telling him to stop because he was not going to get anything from me, and that i take no pity on children who are makulit and don't know when to stop asking for things. the kid went away, and i placed my order.

while i waited for my order, i heard somebody shouting "dimonyo!" (demon in english) a few times. when i looked around, i realized that the kid was yelling at me from a distance, with other streetchildren. he said "dimonyo ka! wala ka palang awa sa mga pulubi ha... dimonyo ka siguro! dimonyo!" ("you're a demon! you take no pity on beggars so you must be a demon!") i had every excuse not to have paid attention to the kid while i was cranky and hungry and was worried about being alone at that street corner at that particular time. but the kid did not know this, of course, in his mind i was a heartless bitch who didn't care about him. i would have given him something if he had not harassed me, but looking back, maybe not. (aside: one time stepping out of starbucks with my friend from where we had just gotten take out coffee, one streetkid walked us to our car, saying "ma'am akin na lang ang kape n'yo". i mean, C'MON GIVE ME A BREAK.)

when i recounted what had happened to my friends, we had a good laugh. looking back, i've realized that i was not truly a demon or a devil at that time. but i was not a saint either.

i am not consistent about how i treat streetchildren begging for money. sometimes i do really feel sorry for them, and give them what i thought would brighten their day (or night) even just a little. a few days ago, after a heavy day at work, i walked home. 2 boys walked astride carrying their roses, asking me to buy. i told them i was not supposed to buy, that i was supposed to be given flowers. so they just said, treat us to mini-stop. i paused and thought, why not? they ordered and i paid and they said "thank you ate" and i said in my most menacing tone: "scram."

one time at a red traffic sign, 2 kids approached my car. i told one of them, the cleaner kid, a girl, halika, sakay ka na lang, uwi na lang kita, aalagaan kita. with big incredulous eyes she said "wag po!", then the kid beside her excitedly said: "ma'am, ako na lang. pinapalayas na ko sa 'min."

A/C is back!

Our aircon is working and am back on the second floor, in my old room, in my old mess.

The last weekend was both tiring and restful. Saturday was tiring. Sunday was restful. I had meant to work on 2 major pleadings but when I got home it was just so nice to talk to family and not work. Until last 11 last night I was feeding my niece who suddenly realized she was hungry.

Lots of things on my mind right now:
1. Do i get that car right now? Like right NOW? (I don't really need it.)
2. Other thoughts I would rather block off. I'll just go on my merry way.

don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til its gone
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
- the big yellow cab song.

girl walks in, says her boy studied at this school, and i go, oh, i know somebody from that school and she says who? and i say him, that one, and she asks me "oh, the parking lot guy?" and I say yes. and i smile a stupid smile. i am reminded of the time when i was young when the littlest thing could make me happy.

lest you wonder what the deal was about the parking lot guy, it's quite simple. i had a crush on a guy. whenever i parked at school i would scan the parking lot to see if his car was there. seeing his dirty parked car (parked dirty car? car parked dirty? car dirty parked?) would make me happy. sometimes i would not even see him or bump into him at school, but seeing his car had that effect on me. i was a silly little girl with a silly little crush and now i remember him and am happy that i'm over that. nobody's car, however dirty or clean, would ever make me feel happy anymore. unless it's MY own car, a new car, which i hope to be getting sometime real soon.

there is something that i should write about that i am not writing about because it is not yet the time. but when it's time i will write about it and you will read about it and you will go, whoa - where did that come from. :-)

last night i made a mental note to write about what was going through my head while i was having coffee with somebody who is not exactly a friend, but a mere acquaintance. let's call him "weasle" (pronounced as "weasel"). weasle because he's a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve.

weasle was consulting me about something. then when the work stuff was gotten over with, our conversation became personal. weasle told me that he was going to propose to his girlfriend, whom he broke up with years ago. it appears that after spending some time apart and after seeing her again, he had decided to pursue her. anyway, now he's got her back. and wants to propose.

i asked weasle if he had any idea about what she might say. he said, mmmm, no idea. i asked, didn't he think it might be a good idea to test the waters first before actually taking the plunge? what if she says no? i think she had already said no to him in the past due to cultural differences (no, am not talking about ruffa gutierrez.)

he said, yah he might do that. i said why don't you ask your common friends, a girl, to ask her what she thinks about their "reunion". if it's serious this time, then it would be a good sign.

weasle said, that is a good idea. then he said, my friend actually did that, packed his bags and went to the states and proposed to his girl. his friend had no idea what was in store for him. the girl said no. his friend came home broken-hearted with the ring that was meant for her. weasle said his friend returned the ring to its maker because nobody would buy a non-engagement ring. i thought, oh-kay....

then weasle went on to say that his friend got a good deal about the ring, because he got part of the purchase price back, but, according to weasle, only 70% of the purchase price was returned. and i thought, oh-kay....?

then weasle said it wasn't a bad deal, was it 70% that was returned? wait, maybe 60%. weasle wasn't sure.

hahaha, and i thought i had flight of ideas.

weird day.

1. my office a/c unit broke down this morning. i called up our office manager who sort of faked that it was getting fixed, but sent an e-mail just now saying it might take 5 to 7 fogging days! and yes, it is still summer in this tropical country. it's not her fault but i don't care. i'm asking to be moved to the ground floor in the meantime. otherwise i will be holding office NOT in the office.

2. my best friend called my cell in a panicked voice and even before she said anything my mind was racing already - what is it, WHO is it? --- her daughter is in the hospital for something not yet defined. i have got to go there tonight.

3. while this very adult thing is happening with my friend i am in this weird zone which i had thought i successfully gotten over. maybe i have, but because somebody is confused does not mean i should get confused too! pwede ba. tantanan mo na ako.

this is such a late post. i swear i would have written it the moment i read your message and entry, yamuna, but i am drowning in paperwork. of course, i find you and your writing interesting, and i mean it like i'm supposed to be preparing a report that was due 2 months ago yet i'm writing to again tell you that. thank you for your compliment, yours may be the second message that i may have received about my writing... i got my first one for another blog which i tore down months (years?) ago. i regret not keeping any of my writing then, but maybe it was better that way. maybe my words were meant to be broken down into pixels or photons, converted into energy to be absorbed by the void... well, i don't really know about photons, i'm just making it up. but i digress. you are a 13 year old writer and you impress me. i know i could be more excited but i can't be more sincere.

i wish i could jump up and down, but i have no more space for jumping in my office. you want proof? i have taken photos of my office using my cellphone. will post them later.

p.s. it's usually the way people (mis)spell my name, it's actually divina, and not davina. however, i admit there is a nice ring to davina. maybe i should just adopt it. :)

petron, on the other hand, is the name of a famous oil company , and although it sounds wealthy, i prefer my father's surname.

why "yamuna"?

an almost-happy post

i wanted to share that finally i was able to watch spiderman 3 last saturday. it was on a whim and over a so-so quality sandwich and a partly coveted carbonara that we decided to watch. "spider man?" "should we?" "now?" "but we may be late no?" "where?" "okay."

"really?"

(that was all me, talking.)

in the end, we rushed to the block and caught the 820 showing of the famous spiderman movie. i've always like the spiderman series and have had high expectations of this one. despite others' comment that it was "cluttered", i enjoyed it. if i were to edit this film though, i'd take out everything about that guy from the 70's show. i hated his blonde hair, hated his mole and hated the fact that he was that important to have caused the death of harry.

fave scene: the really mean and nasty dance at the jazz bar. shows you how nasty men can be and how much girls should really hate them. well, there are a few exceptions but i am not very kind and i don't give out exemption cards very often.

+++

came from dinner and was ready to do something else, when i saw the pleading i sent out before dinner and then there are comments, and then there are different arrows to show how the stupid thing should be rearranged and then am irritated again. differing writing styles should not be made an issue. all the legal arguments are there, dammit.

taking a break i open my e-mail account and decide to clean out my inbox. i see old letters some of which i don't event remember as having read before. there is a chain of e-mail between me and my best friend and even just reading the first line i remember that it was about something that happened in 2003.

some pages later i see another e-mail relating to the same subject matter, only the e-mail was sent in 2005. it has been long ago, too long ago i should have forgotten it already. it's amazing that while all the world is asleep i remember me remembering you.

i am here and you are there, i know where you are and i hear what you say. but most of the time i believe that the old me cannot be rescued, i can never be recovered. i got burned and i have picked myself up. but i am no longer me, i am lost, i am different. i am on a different journey, i am waiting for my life to start.

i am happy with me, even if it's just me.

what if?

i'm waiting for the printing of petition to finish. after this, i'm going home. what if it didn't rain last night? i would have gone home and not finished this thing.

one pleading down, many, many more to go.

today is one of those days when an office day is longer than 24 hours. i sit and sift through documents doing due dil and i realize am the only one left here tonight. i'm hungry and sleepy. i wonder if i should just go home and bahala na si batman or if i should just feed my hungry tummy and dial mcdo. i dial mcdo and after a few minutes of waiting a guy who sounds sleepier than me asks for my order. i tell him McChicken meal with large fries please and large coke and do they serve sundae? the guy seems to have a difficult time understanding my hoarse voice (courtesy of our office sportsfest last friday} but they do so i order caramel sundae then i ask is that enough for you to deliver food? he says 19 pesos more, and so i reluctantly order apple pie which i will not be eating tonight.

good thing accuradio is on and i listen to harry connick, jr.

aside: i want to lose my voice. the last time it happened was 3 years ago and i was hoarse for about 2 weeks. cool.

i am not your friend. am just keeping it real.