baby pics.

my sister sent me scanned photos from my childhood. i took a one good look and immediately came to a cold bitter realization: i looked absolutely hideous. now, there's a story i've heard about the night i was born, that my father was asking the people at the hospital whether there was somebody else who gave birth--- could it be that his real daughter was switched with me? i was purplish, pruny, and bald.

i'm there somewhere. look for the chubby kid with the fat face and that would be me.

many times i've asked my father what if, somebody comes knocking on his door to say that she was his real daughter? would he exchange her for me? the answer, of course, is obvious, but it's such a pity that it had even come to that. MY FATHER FEARED THAT I WAS SWITCHED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. hah!

whoever or whereever the real me is, sorry na lang. i am in your place. i have your nice warm family, and your friends, and your comfy little place in makati. i have your rocking chair, and your tv where i watch wimbledon every night this past week, and i have your future, which is so bright i gotta wear shades.

what a dork.

boss calls for me. i grab a pen and my nth notebook (i know i'm supposed to just keep one, on which i must write all my work notes, but since my notebooks get buried under piles and piles of paper all then time, i am always using a new one), and i walk into his office. not sure what this is about, this time. there's food on his table, uneaten. i know he has just come from a partners' meeting.

he says, sit down, i sit while he reads. and he keeps on reading. (i know people who ask for my company and then when i arrive, they simply nod at me and continue on reading. it takes about 15 minutes before they actually start talking to me like i'm another human being who is capable of interaction. anyway...)

boss smiles a sly smile, says congrats. in my head: wow. you've made me partner?

(semi-delusional state.)

he says, you're no. 1.

(getting out of semi-delusional state to delusional state)

and i'm like, finally?

anyway. so i have one over a bartopnotcher and a certified workhorse.

boss says keep it up, keep it there, and we will know by december what the future will bring.

at this point i remember madam manghuhula's advice: don't. leave. your office.

how do i feel about it? nothing much. it's no biggie. except that it has given me an excuse to celebrate naman something.

the red wine at M tastes rich and smooth, it's really really good. any takers?

a silent howl.

what was doomed to happen, happened. today i discovered a bomb that had silently exploded 2 months ago. what was i doing then? while i was doing a million other things the bomb ticked tocked and nobody noticed. until i did. now.

i reported to the master who calmly took the information in. we've been hit, i said. where? she asked? i said "China". she said call the china headquarters and ask them if it's reparable. i nodded and walked back to my station.

to be continued.

food and conversation

what is it about food and converation,
or talking and not eating
or eating and not talking
or talking while eating?
when all that you must say you don't say
and all that you must eat is pride

i remember a phase in my life when:
1. i was just too in love with barry manilow's sappy music. my most favorite was somewhere in the night. (aside: barry's i write the songs and lionel ritchie's say you say me are 2-in-1 songs. it's always nice to spot a 2-in-1 song. i'm sure you don't know what i'm talking about. a 2-in-1 song is a song that is both a ballad and a dance music. you'd need to listen to i write the songs and say you say me to get what i mean.)
2. i was into yoga.
3. i was into badminton. thank God i still am.
4. i was into poetry. i remember bringing 4 books of poetry everyday to law school, even though i wouldn't read them. i'd stack em all up on my desk like sandbags at a warzone.
5. i was into singing.
6. i was so obsessed with dying young.
7. i was consumed by desire to build a house.
8. i was friendly.
9. i was in love with me.
10.i was totally in love with you.

Today I woke up in my mother's bed, had chatty breakfast with family and, seeing that the skies were gray but without rain, the perfect "bed weather", I contemplated calling in sick today. I should have, but didn't.

I spent an hour and a half crawling in traffic to get to the office. The drive wasn't as bad as it sounds since it was also mostly spent with me daydreaming about my future life. (Aside: I texted somebody that i was daydreaming, and Nokia's predictive text said i was "daydreamhog".) My friend asks what do I see? I said I see myself having more time to smile and relax and not worry about the bosses. I said I should still be earning decent money.

There has got to be more to life than this. MY ideal life would have a balance between work and play. Play would be hanging out with family, sharing quiet moments with a loved one, talking with a good friend. Work, on the other hand, should be paying me loads of money.

It was a good daydream.

on dating blindly and something rather weird at the end

years and years ago, when girls would say that they went on a blind date, i would find myself wondering, approximating, trying to understand how it is to go on one. until sometime ago, i'd never gone on a blind date. until sometime ago, i'd never really "dated" anybody who was not my boyfriend. corny. truly.

anyway, because some blind guy let me go sometime ago, i told myself that that would be my chance to go on a blind date. how bad could it be? at the very least, it would mean a free relatively expensive meal.

since i was recovering from the shame and the hurt over my break up (B.U.), i scanned my phone book and texted every single person, asking them to set me up. it was very bold of me to go and ask, but i did anyway because i needed to be distracted. when asked if i had any requirement, i found myself saying "basta mabait." seriously, now, my qualifications list is longer than that but back then, i had an ego to nurse. i couldn't bear to be lambasted, humiliated or mistreated by a guy who didn't even know ME. so, in the end, all i wanted was somebody who was not going to be mean to me. well, at least not until the date was over.

anyway. my first "date" was somebody i already knew. somebody who was (is) about 5 years younger than me. ha ha ha. let's call him "YB" for "young boy". my friend assured me that YB was a good person. it turned out that YB knew me and had even worked with me (telephonically) when i was still with a private company. apparently, despite the age gap, YB said he'd go on a blind date with me.

so one time, while i was watching a concert, cursing the blind guy whom we shall call mr. eX, while trying not to link to mr. eX every stupid love song that was being sung, my friend called to tell me to "follow" him and YB to a place where they were having drinks. i said i was not ready, but how do you get ready for a blind date? so, being the different person that i had become, i drove over and YB and I were introduced.

YB was a little formulaic about the "date". i remember him standing up from his seat and shaking my hand. (i have sweaty palms, thanks to my piano teacher. that's a lame excuse, but it's true.) i had thought that if YB thought that my palms were yukky for being sweaty, well, he didn't deserve me. >:-)

anyway, i chatted with my friend and YB and i thought that YB was nice. so it was all about me and my ego boost and the fact that maybe, just maybe, mr. eX would be eclipsed by this new boy who clearly showed interest because... well, i was cute. just joking. because i was "nice" daw. YB admitted that to me a few months later and asked me to be his girlfriend. YB said he didn't think that the age gap would be an issue. except when i'd start talking about college music he remembered listening to in grade school. aray.

anyway, obviously i didn't become YB's girlfriend. YB was, well, young. so no go. where is YB now? he's around somewhere, not minding me. i think he took our "B.U." personally.

then i went on a date with another guy. the "date" didn't work out in the romantic sense and i ended up being friends with the second date guy.

over lunch, a friend and i were talking about a couple at the other table whom i bet was about 3 years dating. friend said, nah, a year. i said, how could that be? the guy looked bored. friend said, no, guy wants to sleep with girl. i said, they had just come from that. my point? being in a relationship with someone is interesting in the beginning. it's nice to explore something new about the other person. what food he wants to eat, how he talks to other people, how he treats strangers, what his favorite expression is, what makes him happy. how he looks at you, how you look at him. how you plan to do things together. how you reserve a certain movie to watch with him. how you want to share the highlight of your day with him. how he becomes the highlight of your day.

but with me, these things change as the years go by, when i start to feel a little... bored? feeling corny. feeling independent, feeling that i could get by even without him. corny magka boyfriend. i don't want labels anymore.

i've not gone on a third blind date. do i want to go on another one? maybe. but definitely, i'm not about to ask people to set me up. if somebody asked me, i'd go. i think. this year is the year of the yes. i'd say yes to anybody who ever asked me. it's a vow i made in january.

but--- so you don't get the wrong impression, i still do intend to get serious with somebody. i think i'll be making a very big decision after my birthday in november. i mean, dapat lang di ba. hello. but believe you me, i'm not just going to get a boyfriend, i'm getting a lifeslave.

in my past relationships (prior to mr. eX) i had always been the nurturing one, the kinder one, the bigger one. i've realized nakakapagod. in the beginning of my relationship with mr. eX, i resented the fact that he was self sufficient, like he didn't need me. i tried to change that, until i realized that it was so much nicer that way. i had somebody to take care of me. i had somebody who wasn't needy, who didn't need me to do things.

now, i tell a girl friend that, when she goes out with a guy whom she likes, she must not care so much, not give a lot, not be willing to do things for him. it's his job. if a guy wants a girl enough, he will do things for her. even if it means that he'd be such a doggy dog. but it would be worth it. a guy who knows your worth would be willing to sacrifice, just to win you.

as for me, a good friend pointed it out to me quite clearly: "you're selfish, he's generous. you're perfect together." ha ha.

am going to singapore in october. and to australia in november.
even though work can be such a b*tch, maybe there's some reward waiting for me, somewhere.

+++

fun. my life is quiet. i hope it will be like this, for good.

this is an entry meant for yesterday. i am starting by stating that thursday ended just about now.

it was a hell thursday. i had a meeting which i was not prepared for which included somebody i am really scared of and gives me performance anxiety. i had 30 minutes to prepare for it (considering that wednesday had also been crazy). my solution? to dress up in my black dress and high heels, with polished hair and a little make up. the objective? to make the partner think that, since i looked ready on the outside, i must be ready in the inside. did it work? i_ think_ so_.

meeting begins:

partner: "our so and so lawyer will talk about the whatever-ever agreement."

me: (i go --- wtf is that? i'm not ready for THAT. my brain does a 10-second sommersault, frantically thinking... think think think.)"okay... good morning everyone. (i know. i'd say anything just to stall.) during our last meeting, we discussed the agreement blah blah blah and the issues were blah blah blah." (i veered away from that agreement and discussed issues that only i knew about. i was the only IP lawyer in that meeting. the issues sort of kept the ball rolling--- lots of interesting operational information cropped up which even made the people in that room laugh. by this time i started to feel relaxed)

(I talked for a bit, discussed with client as resource person)

partner: are you done now? can we move on to the other topic?

me: (my confidence having been boosted by the fact that I. Was. Almost. Off the hook.) "um, i have one last point to discuss..." (with my pen raised, to emphasize this point).

hahahaha.

thank you, dear little black dress. this is the second time that you rescued me. i hope that the next time i wear you it will be under more relaxed and enjoyable circumstances.

been trying, for the last 20 minutes, to add more lines to my poem below. unfortunately, words and imagination fail me.

i need inspiration to write.

and am agonizing over something that needs to be done for tomorrow. am having pressure paralysis. i need comfort food. i need to smoke.

by the way, just to be clear, am not a real smoker. i only smoke when i'm thinking, or when i'm agitated. i don't smoke when am happy, or on weekends, when i am home. i only smoke about 2 sticks every other day.

and, ONE DAY, when my life is in order, i will stop smoking. and that's kinda near.

my life seems to be shaping up. i hope that saying that will not jinx it.

an ode to a yosi

i light you up
and a flicker of light flashes
before me
i close my eyes
lest i burn me while i burn you while you burn me
i inhale you and
your scent sticks to my fingers
to my hair
to my neck
to my bed

(to be continued. alas dose y media na po)

another month has passed and it's mid-year!

for some it means getting their 13th month or whatever it is they give to laborers. i like saying laborer because it emphasizes labor, and it makes the extra pay sweeter. or an insult-- it depends really, if laboring means sweating tears and blood and cursing the kawawa pc in front of you because you're tired and it seems that the pc is thinking slower than your fired up brain.

june also means my sister's birthday and even though she is not here, my family is already thinking of how to celebrate it.

after a really oppressive week last week, and a mean saturday spent working on 3 pleadings, i came home to qc. i brought 3 extra cases to work on, and although i did try to work on at least one, my tired body and my more tired mind couldn't do it anymore.

how did i spend my time at home? saturday night, talked talked talked with my mom, even while my eyes were already closed and my consciousness drifting in and out of our conversation. i was trying to catch up on what was happening at home, asked her what happened while i was gone. while lying there i was clutching the small hand of my niece, who was asleep.

on sunday morning i missed my badminton game because my mom made me eat breakfast and we went to greenhills and we got stuff and we played badminton in the evening, me, mama, my sister, my 2 cousins and the small one, who showed real determination trying to hit the shuttlecock. im bringing her again next time.

funny but i've never been the vocal one, never expressed "love" in words, but i found myself telling everybody in the house "ayabyu" whenever it felt OK to say it. like for example, babay lolo, we're going to the mall, ayabyu; or mama where's my skirt thank you and ayabyu , or ate have you passed the papers for the car, ayabyu... and then the small one, to whom i say, super namiss kita you're my most favorite in the world. i ask the small one who do you love more, me or menmen? and the little one says, me, and i say, not true, you hug her more than you hug me and she makes a face and tries to make me feel alright.

it's so nice to be surrounded by love, real love, familiar love, not like the one you think you're chasing outside or maybe it's chasing you but for some reason you never find it. and you believe that all that was meant to happen happened, and that finally, finally, finally, maybe this is what it is to be happy. dear God, may i just freeze-frame this for a while?

i failed to work on the 3 cases i brought home, and at the back of my head, i worried about my bosses getting mad at me... but monday came and i didn't die today. and still i spent happy quality time with my family last weekend.