Please come late,
so that I have almost given you up
and have started glancing round the room,
thinking everyone is you.
Please don't come
until I have started missing you,
thinking I will never see you again,
praying you are lost.
Come too late for me not to notice.
Make me suffer,
wondering what you are doing
on the other side of town,
still in your dressing gown.
Make me beg for mercy
when you pick up a magazine.
Are you looking in your mirror,
suddenly remembering me?
I'm on my second coffee by now,
eating the little bits of sugar in my cup.
Haven't you set out yet?
I decide I don't want to see you after all.
I don't really like you.
I'd rather be on my own.
I know it is all over between us
but I go on sitting here,
reading a newspaper,
not understanding a word.
If you came in now, I wouldn't recognize you.
Don't come anywhere near me
until I have gone slightly mad for love of you.
- Hugo Williams
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
boycott GMA.
in an attempt to be politically and socially relevant, i texted several friends last night my angry sentiments for erap's faster-than-lightning pardon. i'm boycotting the government, i want somebody to please get rid of the president, and most realistically, i want to get stoned and vandalize government or private property it doesn't matter. i am angry and want to take it out on something.
in an attempt to be politically and socially relevant, i texted several friends last night my angry sentiments for erap's faster-than-lightning pardon. i'm boycotting the government, i want somebody to please get rid of the president, and most realistically, i want to get stoned and vandalize government or private property it doesn't matter. i am angry and want to take it out on something.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
so at 1130 last night i turned off the tv, and prepared to sleep. it wasn't difficult at all, i slept knowing that thursday was going to be a whole new day and that so many things -- wonderful things, people, events -- awaited me.
i woke at 7 and snoozed the alarm til it was unforgivably late. J texted me and i thanked her, told her i wouldn't have survived anything without her.
she replied "you were there for me before too".
and THAT was what caused the tears to come.
i woke at 7 and snoozed the alarm til it was unforgivably late. J texted me and i thanked her, told her i wouldn't have survived anything without her.
she replied "you were there for me before too".
and THAT was what caused the tears to come.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
game over
as you may have noticed, i've changed almost everything about this blog, from the template to the title to my profile.
first, the color. gone is the gray template.
second, the title. i'm using something that i believe in. although i'd changed my blog title even before the glorietta blast, i feel even more strongly about carpe diem now.
third, my profile. i admit, i was cocky in writing that you should keep up with this girl who's reigning, raining on your parade. i don't feel that way now. mostly, i'm just resigned to the fact that i am at the mercy of the universe.
dear universe,
you know what i want. please go and fetch it for me. otherwise, please let me hide under the line in my life's plateau.
as you may have noticed, i've changed almost everything about this blog, from the template to the title to my profile.
first, the color. gone is the gray template.
second, the title. i'm using something that i believe in. although i'd changed my blog title even before the glorietta blast, i feel even more strongly about carpe diem now.
third, my profile. i admit, i was cocky in writing that you should keep up with this girl who's reigning, raining on your parade. i don't feel that way now. mostly, i'm just resigned to the fact that i am at the mercy of the universe.
dear universe,
you know what i want. please go and fetch it for me. otherwise, please let me hide under the line in my life's plateau.
Monday, October 22, 2007
just got back from badminton queuing. tonight i played against kids, daddies, office girls in their twenties. the badings were there who wanted to be called not by their real names but by their screen names: greta and pauline luna.
i was with C, one of the older women in my sunday group. tonight she updated me about her separation from her husband. just recently he admitted to her that yes, he has another woman, somebody who is "simple", somebody who did not argue with him. C has also realized her mistakes -- she lead the relationship from day 1, and he showed her with too much love she took him for granted. but just like everything in hindsight, this realization is now useless. her husband has taken another woman and will not likely go back to her.
my own realization: i want a relationship that's balanced. i want somebody to argue with. i've not for a long time fought with anybody over the grandest or the stupidest thing. it's the fights, i think, that make lovers grow. if you just allow the other to do what the other pleased all the time, it's like you've rendered yourself voiceless, powerless. i want my partner to assert himself, to seek his place in my heart and stay there.
i was with C, one of the older women in my sunday group. tonight she updated me about her separation from her husband. just recently he admitted to her that yes, he has another woman, somebody who is "simple", somebody who did not argue with him. C has also realized her mistakes -- she lead the relationship from day 1, and he showed her with too much love she took him for granted. but just like everything in hindsight, this realization is now useless. her husband has taken another woman and will not likely go back to her.
my own realization: i want a relationship that's balanced. i want somebody to argue with. i've not for a long time fought with anybody over the grandest or the stupidest thing. it's the fights, i think, that make lovers grow. if you just allow the other to do what the other pleased all the time, it's like you've rendered yourself voiceless, powerless. i want my partner to assert himself, to seek his place in my heart and stay there.
a sabena gathering
so there we were on saturday night, on L's house's upperdeck. L, M, my best friend J, ditse, and me. inside the den watching dora non-stop were M's daughter and L's son, both my inaanaks. they were very sleepy and yet their parents and their parents' friends were too thirsty to catch up on everybody's lives to even think of going home early.
we were all college friends, minus one (M2 - who is out of the country) and maybe minus another one (H - who is a surgeon and is thus always on call; i say maybe because H seemed more out than in with us - always busy, always busy). ditse is L's sister and we call her "dich" and the coolest ditse there probably was.
we were all partner-less that night. for various reasons.
L's hubby is a very busy man. we hardly ever see him and it's almost the same anyway because even when he's around, he doesn't say much to anybody. an in joke- he may think he's too good for his wife's friends. ha ha hah.
M is married but is now separated de facto. his wife wandered off to forbidden land and i feel that, all in all, my friend deserved so much better than her. M told us that maybe he subconsciously asked for this separation too, because even while they were still together, his fantasies about the future involved somebody else, not his own wife.
J's hubby is in dubai who has found a very good employment opportunity he would probably never find here. and yet while he is hours and miles away he could have very well been there with us, as he and J were always on the phone.
diche is an old soul who seems to look for a love that is still romantic and ideal. i don't intend to tag anything wrong with this view, it's just sooo different from my view of love. after so many years of being attached and being unattached and being almost attached and being not so attached and being attached to the wrong attachees, i have come up with an off-beat view of what an ideal relationship for me is.
we had dinner of pasta which L prepared and chicken which M brought. we had desert of brownies with vanilla ice cream on top. L is an amazing woman who teaches at the university (UP), takes care of son and husband, without any household help. the cleaning lady comes, yes, twice a week, but she's pretty much on her own. i already said she was amazing, right? i told her she reminded me so much of brie (of desperate housewives), without brie's neurosis. she doesn't watch DH and i felt relieved about that lest she misinterprets my comment.
after dinner we moved up to the deck and we started talking about developments in our lives. M went first, and although i had a general idea of what was happening with him (from J - yes, even good friends gossip about each other, but only in a good way), i was impressed by his story. a well-respected, intelligent and talented person is enamoured with my friend. too bad he's straight and too bad his sexuality is not negotiable. i teased M about this later "sayang, you're straight!" and he texted me he could still be straight and not masasayang. good point.
as for me, i narrated what was new with me and had to repeat every detail i was telling M in a hushed tone while we were still downstairs and while he was feeding his daughter. after all the stories were told and different opinions were shared, and after feeling judged by my friends for what i've done in my life and maybe still about to do -- i told them what my vision was, what i wanted and how i was going to achieve it. and, reminiscent of "the secret" video i sort of watched not too long ago with B and his sister, J and M told me to write what i want to achieve down, read it everyday and believe it would happen. they cautioned to be strictly specific, for the universe would only give you what you ask for, nothing more, nothing less.
we laugh about this a little, but J clarified that this is similar to praying. you keep on repeating the same prayer until it is given to you. inspite of myself, i resolved to write it down and read it everyday, until i get it.
j and i agreed to have a nightcap at starbucks somewhere off congressional, and there, where 2 best friends were left alone and could level with one another, we told things that could not be said back in L's house.
last night, M texted me that my aura was different that night while i was narrating my life story - that i was "radiant". we have known each other since 1991, when he was stringy thin and i unforgivably kulot , and maybe it was weird for him to see that i would eventually become somebody who was no longer tentative. i already stated here many times i used to be this nice and sweet girl i could have modeled for goldilocks. now i know i have fire in my belly and i'm going to use it to get what i want. ASAP.
(p.s. when J sends me some photos from the party, i'll post some here.)
so there we were on saturday night, on L's house's upperdeck. L, M, my best friend J, ditse, and me. inside the den watching dora non-stop were M's daughter and L's son, both my inaanaks. they were very sleepy and yet their parents and their parents' friends were too thirsty to catch up on everybody's lives to even think of going home early.
we were all college friends, minus one (M2 - who is out of the country) and maybe minus another one (H - who is a surgeon and is thus always on call; i say maybe because H seemed more out than in with us - always busy, always busy). ditse is L's sister and we call her "dich" and the coolest ditse there probably was.
we were all partner-less that night. for various reasons.
L's hubby is a very busy man. we hardly ever see him and it's almost the same anyway because even when he's around, he doesn't say much to anybody. an in joke- he may think he's too good for his wife's friends. ha ha hah.
M is married but is now separated de facto. his wife wandered off to forbidden land and i feel that, all in all, my friend deserved so much better than her. M told us that maybe he subconsciously asked for this separation too, because even while they were still together, his fantasies about the future involved somebody else, not his own wife.
J's hubby is in dubai who has found a very good employment opportunity he would probably never find here. and yet while he is hours and miles away he could have very well been there with us, as he and J were always on the phone.
diche is an old soul who seems to look for a love that is still romantic and ideal. i don't intend to tag anything wrong with this view, it's just sooo different from my view of love. after so many years of being attached and being unattached and being almost attached and being not so attached and being attached to the wrong attachees, i have come up with an off-beat view of what an ideal relationship for me is.
we had dinner of pasta which L prepared and chicken which M brought. we had desert of brownies with vanilla ice cream on top. L is an amazing woman who teaches at the university (UP), takes care of son and husband, without any household help. the cleaning lady comes, yes, twice a week, but she's pretty much on her own. i already said she was amazing, right? i told her she reminded me so much of brie (of desperate housewives), without brie's neurosis. she doesn't watch DH and i felt relieved about that lest she misinterprets my comment.
after dinner we moved up to the deck and we started talking about developments in our lives. M went first, and although i had a general idea of what was happening with him (from J - yes, even good friends gossip about each other, but only in a good way), i was impressed by his story. a well-respected, intelligent and talented person is enamoured with my friend. too bad he's straight and too bad his sexuality is not negotiable. i teased M about this later "sayang, you're straight!" and he texted me he could still be straight and not masasayang. good point.
as for me, i narrated what was new with me and had to repeat every detail i was telling M in a hushed tone while we were still downstairs and while he was feeding his daughter. after all the stories were told and different opinions were shared, and after feeling judged by my friends for what i've done in my life and maybe still about to do -- i told them what my vision was, what i wanted and how i was going to achieve it. and, reminiscent of "the secret" video i sort of watched not too long ago with B and his sister, J and M told me to write what i want to achieve down, read it everyday and believe it would happen. they cautioned to be strictly specific, for the universe would only give you what you ask for, nothing more, nothing less.
we laugh about this a little, but J clarified that this is similar to praying. you keep on repeating the same prayer until it is given to you. inspite of myself, i resolved to write it down and read it everyday, until i get it.
j and i agreed to have a nightcap at starbucks somewhere off congressional, and there, where 2 best friends were left alone and could level with one another, we told things that could not be said back in L's house.
last night, M texted me that my aura was different that night while i was narrating my life story - that i was "radiant". we have known each other since 1991, when he was stringy thin and i unforgivably kulot , and maybe it was weird for him to see that i would eventually become somebody who was no longer tentative. i already stated here many times i used to be this nice and sweet girl i could have modeled for goldilocks. now i know i have fire in my belly and i'm going to use it to get what i want. ASAP.
(p.s. when J sends me some photos from the party, i'll post some here.)
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Sabrina script transcript.
You won't be annoyed if I cry
at the boat, will you, Sabrina?
I'll be disappointed
if you don't, Father.
I'd feel better if you'd be angry
with me for allowing this to happen.
It wasn't your fault, Father.
It was mine.
I should have believed you.
There's a front seat
and a back seat and a window in between.
If it's any consolation,
one good thing's come out of it.
You did get over David, didn't you?
Dear David.
Yes, I did get over that. I'm cured.
Now, how to get over the cure!
It wouldn't have worked out really.
You won't be annoyed if I cry
at the boat, will you, Sabrina?
I'll be disappointed
if you don't, Father.
I'd feel better if you'd be angry
with me for allowing this to happen.
It wasn't your fault, Father.
It was mine.
I should have believed you.
There's a front seat
and a back seat and a window in between.
If it's any consolation,
one good thing's come out of it.
You did get over David, didn't you?
Dear David.
Yes, I did get over that. I'm cured.
Now, how to get over the cure!
It wouldn't have worked out really.
this is my favorite cousin, JR. he is one of the few people whom i consider as being malakas sa akin. whatever he wants from me, i will most likely give, if it was within my power to do so. (this pic was taken a few years ago, when JR was in his really payat form, and me, same.)
i'm 10 years older than JR. mainly, he grew up in my home. his parents' house was near ours at that time, and everyday as a child he would sleep at our house. since he was a baby, he slept in my bed. the sweetest, kindest kid i'd known at that time. he stopped sleeping in my bed after he got circumcised, ha ha ha, and i remember bringing him to delos santos exactly for that. i remember driving and he telling me to slow down because any movement hurt him.
i hardly see him now, but when i do, i still see the kid i took fondness of when i was young. by the way, i call him "kuya".
i'm 10 years older than JR. mainly, he grew up in my home. his parents' house was near ours at that time, and everyday as a child he would sleep at our house. since he was a baby, he slept in my bed. the sweetest, kindest kid i'd known at that time. he stopped sleeping in my bed after he got circumcised, ha ha ha, and i remember bringing him to delos santos exactly for that. i remember driving and he telling me to slow down because any movement hurt him.
i hardly see him now, but when i do, i still see the kid i took fondness of when i was young. by the way, i call him "kuya".
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
a friend asks me how i'm doing and i tell her am surprisingly sane. am ambivalent about everything, almost unfeeling. i tell her i focus on what i need to do and block out thinking.
another friend told me that am so mental. ordinarily i'd treat this to mean that he thinks am loony, but apparently he means i overthink and never do anything. i know what i need to do and how to do it, but i never do anything. he told me, "wag kang masyadong matalino, d*****a..., just take action."
it appears that, for the last many years, i've been waiting for something to happen to me. i complain that nothing was happening and yet all this time there were certain things, events, people that came my way but i didn't do anything. i just waited for something to happen to me, but not the other way around.
is it too late? i hope not. can i turn my life around? hopefully so. i'm middle-aged and single. malakas ang dating, according to my badminton mate, and this i found very hard to believe. i used to be quiet and nice and sweet (you already know that). but now a boy tells me i've to tone my personality down lest i intimidate every single person i meet. now, who asked you mr. badminton mate? you are such a supladito yourself, but thankfully we hit it off and i consider you as one my favorite mates around. but i digress.
i gotta go somewhere, i don't know where, i don't know how, but i know i gotta be there. i am seeking, looking, i am chasing something. i don't know what it is but i won't stop until i find it.
another friend told me that am so mental. ordinarily i'd treat this to mean that he thinks am loony, but apparently he means i overthink and never do anything. i know what i need to do and how to do it, but i never do anything. he told me, "wag kang masyadong matalino, d*****a..., just take action."
it appears that, for the last many years, i've been waiting for something to happen to me. i complain that nothing was happening and yet all this time there were certain things, events, people that came my way but i didn't do anything. i just waited for something to happen to me, but not the other way around.
is it too late? i hope not. can i turn my life around? hopefully so. i'm middle-aged and single. malakas ang dating, according to my badminton mate, and this i found very hard to believe. i used to be quiet and nice and sweet (you already know that). but now a boy tells me i've to tone my personality down lest i intimidate every single person i meet. now, who asked you mr. badminton mate? you are such a supladito yourself, but thankfully we hit it off and i consider you as one my favorite mates around. but i digress.
i gotta go somewhere, i don't know where, i don't know how, but i know i gotta be there. i am seeking, looking, i am chasing something. i don't know what it is but i won't stop until i find it.
Monday, October 15, 2007
he says he was leaving and i welcome the idea of being separated even for a bit. we've known each other for more than a decade, too long maybe that is allowed of people trying to be "just friends". i may lose him, he may lose me, but until and unless we separate, i will never find my way.
way to where? i don't know. with him, i am loved and my life is peaceful, safe, quiet. but i'm a crazy woman who finds something off in such a perfect setting.
life is too short and i am going to try to live it the most authentic way i can. i want to be certain, i no longer want doubts, i want to be true.
despite this gift of freedom i've gotten from him, i will endeavor to find my way around, and back. but if i get lost in the process, at least i will be able to say that i did not choose what was easy, i did not choose plan B. but in reality, there is no plan B, because there is no plan A.
way to where? i don't know. with him, i am loved and my life is peaceful, safe, quiet. but i'm a crazy woman who finds something off in such a perfect setting.
life is too short and i am going to try to live it the most authentic way i can. i want to be certain, i no longer want doubts, i want to be true.
despite this gift of freedom i've gotten from him, i will endeavor to find my way around, and back. but if i get lost in the process, at least i will be able to say that i did not choose what was easy, i did not choose plan B. but in reality, there is no plan B, because there is no plan A.
the elated monday.
today i report for work after 11 days of not being here. yesterday morning i was telling a friend that i actually looked forward to monday. she said, monday should be elated as friday usually gets the vote.
today is what i call the litmus paper monday. why so? for reasons i cannot fully explain here. just trust me, it's now or never.
and just a few moments ago, monday became now, not never. i did it.
today i report for work after 11 days of not being here. yesterday morning i was telling a friend that i actually looked forward to monday. she said, monday should be elated as friday usually gets the vote.
today is what i call the litmus paper monday. why so? for reasons i cannot fully explain here. just trust me, it's now or never.
and just a few moments ago, monday became now, not never. i did it.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
finally, i write.
no internet for the last seven days i didn't think i'd survive. last time i was typing was on a laptop on wifi in raffles hotel.
i'd missed writing, i'd missed this--- on my way here to the internet cafe i had gathered my thoughts on what i'd write about.
and here it is.
singapore changed my life. big, huh?
but it's true.
this is hard. i can't even write about it.
i'll just be silent muna. being silent makes me hear those that are more important than words.
no internet for the last seven days i didn't think i'd survive. last time i was typing was on a laptop on wifi in raffles hotel.
i'd missed writing, i'd missed this--- on my way here to the internet cafe i had gathered my thoughts on what i'd write about.
and here it is.
singapore changed my life. big, huh?
but it's true.
this is hard. i can't even write about it.
i'll just be silent muna. being silent makes me hear those that are more important than words.
Friday, October 05, 2007
conversation with god, who is in singapore:
me: hahaha. you are so funny. thank you. certain questions have been answered.
him: why funny?
me: i've asked for it many many years ago. finally, you've sent it to me here. now.
him: so why funny?
me: because it was better in my mind.
him: how so?
me: because in my mind i thought i was going to be different. but i'm not, i'm the same. i've stuck with who i am. and i'm very happy with me.
him: me as well.
me: thank you.
him: you're welcome. but you know? i'm clapping for you.
me: okay. why?
him: because you're still you.
me: thank you. can we move on to my next request?
him: which one?
me: (________________)
him: sure.
me: hahaha. you are so funny. thank you. certain questions have been answered.
him: why funny?
me: i've asked for it many many years ago. finally, you've sent it to me here. now.
him: so why funny?
me: because it was better in my mind.
him: how so?
me: because in my mind i thought i was going to be different. but i'm not, i'm the same. i've stuck with who i am. and i'm very happy with me.
him: me as well.
me: thank you.
him: you're welcome. but you know? i'm clapping for you.
me: okay. why?
him: because you're still you.
me: thank you. can we move on to my next request?
him: which one?
me: (________________)
him: sure.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
i leave tomorrow, but not without saying goodbye.
i don't know what awaits in singapore. work definitely, leisure, probably.
i had planned so many things about this trip. my mother was supposed to come, and then not. and so was my best friend, and then not. and now, i travel again, and i know it won't be as much fun as it would be if... I HAD THE MONEY TO BURN.
anyway. am partly kidding, partly not. it's like the weather. partly cloudy, partly rainy, partly sunny. or the season -- partly ramadan, partly halloween, partly christmas. am partly sleepy and partly hungry. i know i don't make sense but that's ok. i only really wanted to say goodbye.
see you.
i don't know what awaits in singapore. work definitely, leisure, probably.
i had planned so many things about this trip. my mother was supposed to come, and then not. and so was my best friend, and then not. and now, i travel again, and i know it won't be as much fun as it would be if... I HAD THE MONEY TO BURN.
anyway. am partly kidding, partly not. it's like the weather. partly cloudy, partly rainy, partly sunny. or the season -- partly ramadan, partly halloween, partly christmas. am partly sleepy and partly hungry. i know i don't make sense but that's ok. i only really wanted to say goodbye.
see you.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
so anyway, while i am affected about that, i want to write about the good things:
1. i'm off to singapore on thursday. the available flight is either too early or too late, and i've bravely chosen to fly too early.
2. i'll return sunday and will be on leave the following week. i intend to attend badminton queuing on monday and wednesday, play again wednesday night and hopefully friday night, and sunday morning.
3. my badminton group that plays at don antonio sports center has certified champs. at a recent tourney sponsored by a UP org, two of our boys and two of our girls came out champions. i do intend to compete one day, and maybe after a few more months i'll have the strength to finally put myself out there for the experience. to win would be nice but that's kinda farfetched at this time. i just want to be able to play a good challenging game.
4. i'll be on leave in november for 2 weeks, and in december, after our office christmas party, i'm gone.
1. i'm off to singapore on thursday. the available flight is either too early or too late, and i've bravely chosen to fly too early.
2. i'll return sunday and will be on leave the following week. i intend to attend badminton queuing on monday and wednesday, play again wednesday night and hopefully friday night, and sunday morning.
3. my badminton group that plays at don antonio sports center has certified champs. at a recent tourney sponsored by a UP org, two of our boys and two of our girls came out champions. i do intend to compete one day, and maybe after a few more months i'll have the strength to finally put myself out there for the experience. to win would be nice but that's kinda farfetched at this time. i just want to be able to play a good challenging game.
4. i'll be on leave in november for 2 weeks, and in december, after our office christmas party, i'm gone.
i didn't think i'd ever reach this point, but i have. i'm almost angry that a friend keeps on rejecting my invites to have a bite or just have a few moments of chitchat. always busy, always busy. it's probably true but, personally, even if i were busy, i'd never been too busy to a friend who's obviously reaching out.
i'll never ask again.
i'll never ask again.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)