i came home last saturday morning with all my christmas loot from the office and was excited to wrap gifts meant for family and godchildren. when i arrived home, my parents were preparing to go to the market for crabs and all others for our noche buena.

at around 10 am, the phone rang and my niece rushed to answer. she was saying that my mother was out and turned to me to ask whether she should already put the phone down. i got the phone and heard my sister from the states. i shouted "ate!" excitedly and ranted on about my niece who answered the phone. then she cut me off:

"wag ka munang magsalita."

i asked, yes? she said "wala na si lila." and then she cried.

i was confused. all i could say was my sister's name over and over.

her daughter, lila, was 14 months old. she was due to be baptized on dec. 23rd. she passed away on dec. 21st. lila was my sister's only daughter, after waiting for her for so many years. my sister celebrated lila's arrival by celebrating her birthday every 12th of the month til she turned 1. my sister would send us photos of lila and my sister and her husband in front of a cake, with numbers on top representing every month since lila had been born.

cause of death? twisting of the intestine that caused oxygen and blood supply to get cut off. she died at the hospital waiting to be treated. the doctors didn't think she was in grave danger as she was still responsive when she arrived. the only symptom that night was that lila vomited--- other than that, nobody had a clue what was happening. lila waited for 80 minutes before the doctor inserted IV into her. within a few moments, lila closed her eyes and died of cardiac arrest.

i think my sister will be filing a complaint against the hospital, i don't really know for sure. but this matter is too technical, too impersonal to be writing about here.

i want to write about how my sister loved her daughter and how much her daughter loved her. ate jeng could not believe what had happened, she's in a real shock and is obviously having trouble coping.

i want to write about how my other sister flew to the states the same day we heard about the news.

...how i am the only daughter here who has to take care of our mother who cries a lot. that my mother is looking to me to obtain a visa for her to get to my sister who needs her support.

lila was my parents' first grandchild and maybe their last. ate jeng is 38, ate mel 36, and me, well, 2 years younger. i don't have any high hopes of finding a husband or of bearing children. i feel sorry for my parents but what can we do? this is how our lives have turned out to be.

wild thing

just got back from our gig at the ipo - before hearing officers, trademark and patent examiners --- people who read our filings, pleadings, hear our cases and decide them.

it dawned on me that i don't get shy anymore -- especially since my co-vocalists are shy and would rather make me talk -- when i get onstage am at performance level. it's soooo weird. i used to have stage fright, i used to panic, forget all the lyrics and get lost in the music. i still get lost in the music now, but in a good way.

the audience was appreciative, they clapped even just hearing the first few bars of a song. but we didn't expect the ending to be like that -- when we sang head over heels, people got up and danced. it was followed by play that funky music, dancing queen and... lady marmalade. i couldn't believe i was singing lady marmalade with soul passion. if only sister grace, the choirmaster could see me now (from heaven). i wonder what she would say seeing/hearing her soprano sing and strut with a live band.

anyway, i've got to go, have dinner to go to... finally! a friend who has been sort of avoiding me for a while (i suspect) has asked to meet for dinner and gift-giving.

merry christmas friends, you know who you are. i think it's great that you're still reading me after all this time. thank you, thank you, you make my heart sing.

i've lost round 1. patiently waiting for round 2.

'twas the night before christmas
and all through the house
not a creature was stirring
not even a maws.*


*if small, minimaws

it's the 20th and am still here in the office. haven't done my christmas shopping and gift-giving. am so late this year! am so afraid by the time i'm ready it will be christmas 2008 na.

was at conway's last night with the friends i've made in adelaide. it was a group composed of 4 men and 4 women. the men were (are) all sweet, funny, accomplished and married (one is separated but we don't want him). of course, we are all friends in that group and it was great seeing them, catching up.

until the part when we had to pay the bill. it was close to 15 grand.

turns out that our friend's guest ordered several shots of henessy which cost close to five thousand bucks, exclusive of tax and service charge. after some confusion, the bill finally got paid and we all went home.

+++

anyway. i cried buckets of tears last night. major. i've not cried that way since... i cannot even remember. fyi, i was not even drunk. there was something that hit me and i let it simmer for a while until it made me cry. anyway, it was a good release.

i called up several friends who unfortunately couldn't be awakened. this morning, i told B that it would be good if i will be able to wake him up naman when i need him.

this is what he said:

"kung magkatabi tayo matulog, magigising mo ako."

kainis. such wit.

documenting

that is great news. am happy for you.

back there

am back there. when am not the 30-something me (yesss, i am old), when am not the 8-year practicing lawyer me, when am not rational, when i don't make sense. when something that seems simple is not, when i almost detest even the most sincere words from people who care about me. it is when i am focused on what i don't have and even though it's minor, i feel incomplete. i want it.

my best friend has asked me to go meet her in serendra, to pick up my gift. i said no, not yet, can't go there yet. it's sad that not even hi-street could shake me out of it. i'm afraid i won't ever want to go to hi-street again.

see? there i am, i can see myself, back in that place where i am a little girl. i need a safety blanket. however pathetic it may sound, i do miss somebody taking care of me.

can't believe am still working when my leave started last friday. the only difference is that i could come in jeans.

hope to file this darned thing asap so i could disappear asap.

my second name translates to "grace", hence, so many times i've been called that.

but today, i was referred to as a woman of grace and class, and this is my first time.

this is my cue, this is my closure, am going to be mighty quiet now.

she wakes up and wonders - where am I? In the early morning light, she realizes she's home. She remembers what she needs to do, and realizes that she did not immediately remember you... She chases the thought of you in her mind, turning left then right, hoping to preserve you, disappointed that you have started to become forgettable.

found this old writing i made during law school circa 1999:

i now find myself confronted with work, too much actually that it leaves no space or time for anything else. i welcome this actually.

i want my mind to be filled with thoughts of everything but that. i want to be tired so that i would fall asleep easily and not wander off to a slow daydream that may become too sweet and get me even more disappointed since it isn't real.

+++

i ended up being campaign manager for a group of students running for the law school government. it required me to stay after school and work on the campaign until 3 am everyday for maybe 2 weeks. i had to drive classmates to lagro and to sta. mesa before coming home to cubao. i did that for 6 weeks. (looking back, my mom was pretty cool letting me drive home alone at that time of night. if i had a daughter she'd have a driver. but then again, having a driver back then would be a luxury.)

i was glad for the distraction. we ended up winning 4 slots out of 5. we could have made a sweep were it not for some controversial spat during the presentation of candidates for treasurer. my candidate made a truthful but bitchy remark that everybody heard. they sympathized with the female candidate, who cried. politics and drama really go hand in hand.

+++

fast forward to 2007. i was partying with the staff singing cheesy videoke songs like "separate lives" and "all out of love", when several unknown numbers called my cell, one after another. my client's business locations got raided tonight. now we have to work on the motions to quash. on top of that i have pleadings due to be filed next week. more importantly, am supposed to be on leave already. i had meant to just play badminton the whole december. maybe after christmas.

but like in 1999, i am thankful for the distraction.

another question answered

yep, ladies and gentlemen, we have a quitter.

should've quit while ahead, but didn't. now left holding the bag.

my voice is semi-back. last night at the party, even before we started playing, i was called to introduce the band members. i said i was doing the vocals along with 3 others, and i took it as my opportunity to say that i was nursing a sore throat. apologized in advance if i don't hit the high notes.

after several back-up singing, i did my first solo and it was good. no, it was really good. am glad.

several songs came after and we were on a roll. it was fun. the instrumentalist dudes were really cool. if i could have a second life, i'd like to be a bassist.

i hung out for a bit more with the usual suspects. for a while i forgot that earlier that night i was just on the phone discussing a case where i withdrew an MR because it was pointless.

today, am back at work, party over. but when i look back am still glad i did what i did even though some things got sacrificed, but hey, you win some and you lose some. no regrets.

party over

last night we held our Firm Christmas party at the pen. it was different from all the other parties i've had with the office. must be because the people i used to party with are no longer with us and am still in the process of being comfortable with those who are here, but most of it i blame on just getting old.

i am old.

i used to dance forever and not get tired. last night, i got tired, physically and, i guess, emotionally as well.

the partners came and sat with their spouses. i wondered --- what if my turn comes? it would be such a bit*h to be sitting there at the same table with these big names and not have anybody with me. it would be such a bit*h to be clasping a cellphone that i would be checking every so often to see if somebody was looking for me. bit*h, bit*h, bit*h.

and to put this in perspective, my fear is real since apparently i will be sitting beside them by the time we hold our 2008 party. that means i have 12 months to convince somebody to want to sit beside me at my 2008 firm party. or maybe, i could just pretend to be sick and skip that party altogether. problem solved.

i've been recently reunited with the cardigans, whom i listened to in my third (fourth? not sure) year in law school.

there are really really nice songs in their first album, band on the moon, but tonight, this song is just leaping out of the heap for me.

heartbreaker

no, not again
oh, what a man
just who I thought that I wanted to have
oh, don't do that
don't use that bat
that's all it takes to make me falling flat

no, not again
a loser I am

i love you tonight
you are my knight
cure and assure and make me feel alright
tomorrow you'll find
i'm not around
but don't be uptight
'cause I loved you last night

vacant and free
yeah, that is me
just tell me how and I'll please you for free
tell me I'm good
i know I'm bad
lies make me feel fine although it is sad

oh, not again
not one more man

i love you tonight
you are my knight
cure and assure and make me feel alright
tomorrow you'll find
i'm not around
but don't be uptight
'cause I loved you last night

(pathetic message, yes, but nice melody.)

some answers

i want to answer some of the questions i posted here yesterday:

1. what happens tomorrow? will i get called in to hear good news or bad news?

I got called in alright, to hear... semi good news.

2. assuming it's good, would i be glad?

since it's semi-good news, i'm semi-glad.

3. assuming it's semi-good, would i take it?

i don't know yet. six months is a long time to consider it.

4. assuming it's bad, would I quit?

since it's semi-good, it's not bad.

5. did the captain of the titanic cry?

based on the movie titanic, he kissed his wife and laid down, with her, in their bed, waiting for the waters to rush in.

now, only the other question remains...

this is the first weekend in the last 2 years that i am in the country but did not come home and sleep at my parents' house.

i've been distracted, mostly by work, partly by the christmas rush and by the foremost question i have in my mind.

do we have a quitter???

+++

last friday i attended band practice and ended up singing for real despite my already hoarse voice (gumimik thursday night, remember?). by saturday morning, my voice was all gone. i had a real moment of panic. i have hearings on monday and wednesday. i can't do sign language and the judge will definitely not understand me if i tried talking. most importantly, the band's performance is on thursday. i cannot NOT sing. especially since i've been tasked to sing about 5-6 songs solo.

+++

i called her to greet her and she noticed my voice. i said am doing everything to recover by thursday, because of the party. she said, yah, and on tuesday too, for our party. i wanted to say but am not singing at our party... but i didn't. maybe she meant something else?

reading too much into things.

so many questions, i need an answer:

1. what happens tomorrow? will i get called in to hear good news or bad news?
2. assuming it's good, would i be glad?
3. assuming it's semi-good, would i take it?
4. assuming it's bad, would I quit?
5. did the captain of the titanic cry?

most importantly,

6. why aren't you here with me?

someday we'll know.

last night, i had my first christmas party for 2007 at mezze, greenbelt 2. it was also a reunion of sorts for colleagues who became friends at the apaa in australia.

i got buzzed. had 4 glasses of red wine and 3 bottles of beer. it was that kind of buzz that made you feel "happy" like everything is fine and that everybody is your friend and you wanna hug them. i don't get buzzed a lot so whenever i do, i think it's kinda special (wink, wink). but i did not go hugging people last night unlike that time in law school even the lamppost was huggable.

there were 4 of us who were last to leave the place. we tranferred to nuvo, the nearby bar, to have pizza, and me, to have iced tea. by this time the buzz was going...

it was an odd group - well, not really odd except for one, i think (that ain't me). this boy is medyo clueless but maybe he really is nice. but since he himself was buzzed he started talking about people, other people. we were primarily gossiping actually -- who was with whom, why they're together. we also all discussed why we are single, who wants to be double (or triple)... we were 4 adult lawyers blaming the profession for our lack of time to find love or for our lack of charm, or lack of luck.

as the busboys were already antsy, it was past 2 a.m., we transferred to old swiss inn. one girl and one boy had soup, the other boy had cheese fondue which tasted more like wine fondue. i had corned beef. will always have corned beef in that resto.

by 4 a.m. we decided it was time to go. by this time, i've realized that i was losing my really nice purse that holds my cellphone(s). we went back to mezze and nuvo but didn't find it. on our way back, the village police stopped us because girl driving took a left where there was no left turn. elvis jr. in typical fratman fashion told the police, ibalato na lang kay attorney so and so. the police let us go.

so much for one night. i'm calling mezze later. wish me luck on my purse.

played for 3 hours tonight. my muscles hurt.

and am hungry.

making things permanent.

a good friend texted me today "what is the point in getting married? is it the love, companionship, sex? Why do i want to get married badly?"

oooh. that question.

i tried to answer it the best way i could. and after i've said it i was pretty convinced that it was an answer i believed in:

"you marry because you want to make your relationship permanent. or at least you try to make it permanent."

so whatever it is that you have with somebody, whether it is love, companionship, or sex -- hopefully all --- if it is so great that you want to make it permanent, you marry them.

+++

but scorpions are very loyal. first, to themselves, next, to others.

somewhere, i found this rule for writing fiction:

"every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water."

what do YOU want?

foremost thought in my head: effortless.

it's nice when it's effortless. it feels like it is what it is supposed to be.

second thought in my head: exhaustion.

soon enough, as in everything, it will also exhaust itself. thus, this is only for now.