i went to a high school mate's wedding in intramuros last night. because i said i was going to come, i did. now 5 hours after we said goodbye, am still in the office-- trying to catch up with work that piled up over the last week.

i'm still wearing my red dress. it's a good thing i brought slippers. now i dread walking home to my place at this hour, in this dress.

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tomorrow is a full day, i know. meeting at 10 a.m., meeting at 2 p.m. and meeting at 4 p.m. now when do i do real work?

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i'm going home now, but am bringing one position paper and a contract, for review.

something you ought to know about me part II:

Scorpions can harness their abundant energy constructively, tempering their self-confidence with shrewdness and their ambition with magnanimity toward others provided they like them. They relate to fellow workers only as leaders and can be blunt to those they dislike to the point of cruelty. In fact they are not above expressing vindictiveness in deliberate cruelty. They are too demanding, too unforgiving of faults in others, perhaps because they are not aware of the shortcomings within themselves, and extravagantly express their self-disgust in unreasonable resentment against their fellows. They do, however, make excellent friends, provided that their companions do nothing to impugn the honor of which Scorpios are very jealous. Part of the negative side of the Scorpio nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful, but the decent native is aware of, and fights this tendency.

"Good afternoon! This is ______'s assistant. I would like to confirm your attendance at ____'s wedding on January 28, 2008 at 4:30 p.m. at the San Diego Gardens in Intramuros. Will be reserving seats for you. Please reply to confirm that two of you are coming."

I texted back:

"Thanks. I'll attend. Just one seat."

After sending it, I hesitated. Should I have deleted "just"? "Just one seat" sounded pathetic.

Flashback to 2003, my best friend's wedding (not the movie, this really happened.)

Nene walked down the aisle, all pretty. She was smiling. She walked really fast, awkwardly fast. (Later she told me that it was the most awkward thing to do. To walk down the aisle and have everybody look at her.)

I found myself crying. I cried because my best friend was getting married. And because I was alone then. I was still part of a "couple" weeks before Nene's wedding and being an uncouple at her wedding made me cry.

Fast forward to now. Everything that has been done, cannot be undone. Pero hindi na ko iiyak.

something you ought to know about me:

ang pinakaayaw ko sa lahat, ay yung mahirap kausap. ayaw ko nang pa-intriga, ayaw ko nang hindi upfront. ayaw ko nang komplikadong buhay, masaya na ko, hindi kita kailangan.

okay? okay.

now, get. out.

+++

hahaha. it's in a dream sequence. but it's something that i do want to be able to say to you.

+++

now, please whoever is reading this, it's NOT YOU.

this was what i wanted to tell you before you logged off earlier:

dear menmen,

thanks. we enjoyed disney on ice. and the snacks at butter diner. we felt your presence even if you weren't there.

your bpi atm made all the difference.

see you in five (long) days,
aw aw

australian open

i've been staying up late(r) these nights to watch the australian open. well, i like tennis per se, but it's even more meaningful for me to be seeing melbourne on tv, to be catching a glimpse of the buildings over the horizon through the open arena and seeing the typical aussie folks in their casual outfit.

my resolution: watch the australian open live. next year.

+++

i don't have any favorite player in tennis. when i got home tonight i caught this australian player beat amelie mauresmo. i've realized that i would always cheer for the underdog and that i just like seeing the big names lose. if it's two big names playing against each other, i want the bigger name to lose. wala lang. i'm not a fan of personalities, i just like seeing the underdogs outplay the big stars.

+++

somebody was waving a banner that reads: "my drinking team has a tennis problem." cute.

+++

i could never be a good linesman. i'm afraid that if i see a ball out, i might shout "noooooooooooo!" rather than "out".

+++

it was past 2 am in australia when the game between roddick and his opponent finally finished. of course, roddick's opponent was not as popular and i didn't even know who he was in the beginning. written on the scoreboard were the names "rod" and "koh". for some reason i had assumed the opponent's name was really koh and that he was either japanese or korean. it was much later when i learned he was german and his name was actually kohlschreiber.

question: what is one more after several others in the past?

answer: sisiw.

"this! is ammerikenidle."

that's how ryan seacrest usually says it. it's funny that year in year out it's something that my friend and i usually text each other every american idol day.

caught the philly auditions last night and it's disappointing how AI is content with showing clips of pathetic wannabees (or not -- more like KSPs). well, at least simon doesn't seem to tolerate the KSPs anymore.

i would rather see the auditions of those who will get in. of course that's predictable but since this is a singing contest, i'd rather know ahead who's really good.

+++

have something to do for the office on saturday. it's saddening to be aware that i only have one free day this weekend.

every once in a while my life here in the office becomes showbiz.

in 2005, my firm celebrated its 20th anniversary. the challenge for us then was to put up a big event that included cocktails, sit-down dinner and entertainment for about 800 guests. the guests ranged from the most powerful to the most scornful (sometimes these two words are interchangeable. this is my personal opinion, this is MY blog remember?). i was in charge of the program and my task was to put together a SHOW.

after a series of negotiations, the san miguel philharmonic orchestra, isay alvarez and robert seña became our performers back then.

we will have our firm re-launch in february this year. there will be cocktails for about 600 people and, again, i am in charge of the program. they want formal and classy.

first thought: lea salonga. perfect, since she's here. i've not reached lea, and i'm not sure if i want to because i will most likely not be able to afford her.

through connections from UP and ABS-CBN, i have been able to reach the philippine madrigal singers and The Company. you like? i think they will make a good back-to-back for a good balance of classical and a more updated singing (for the record, moy ortiz of The Company was sooo nice on the phone earlier.)

anyway, right now am thinking of things such as provisions for lights and sounds, synthesizers, pianist, holding room for the performers, meals, coffee, transpo, whatnot. am back to my old production girl self. it would be really nice to do this for a living.

p.s. i still don't have an emcee. i reached daphne oseña but she's busy on the date of the event. i'm thinking maybe david celdran, or audie gemora.

11 things i want to say to specific people, but won't.

1. Money may make the world go round, but I don’t think yours can.
2. Try relaxing for a minute, it will do you good.
3. I wish you not only real happiness. I wish that you would recognize happiness when it happens to you.
4. Please don't worry so much about me.
5. Sometimes I wonder if we’re really friends or just pretending to be.
6. Whatever will be, will be. And THAT will be great.
8. Greater things await you. One day you will laugh again.
9. Grow up.
10. Are you happy? Your husband’s kinda weird.
11. Please don't demote me for that mistake. I'll do better next time.

the sticky situation of exes

sometime ago, this topic came up during a conversation with a male friend: his ex-girlfriend having a say about his romantic life. despite myself, i commented that it was improper or unfair, but my friend told me it was something that cannot be explained.

a little while later, i found myself in the same situation.

even as i have told my ex that i want him to be happy, this has never been put to the test until last thursday.

last thursday, i was out shopping for soap with my BFF when i got a text from the ex. he said that a friend was setting him up. this "friend" was once in love with him, so my first thought was: what's up with that?

anyway, i told the ex, sounds fun, are you gonna do it? he said, not sure.

(okay, when the ex says he's "not sure", this means he's thinking about it, and i think this means he's leaning towards doing it.)

i told him, that maybe he should. at the very least, he will be meeting a new person, making a new friend.

and we texted back and forth about it until BFF pointed out that i was "bothered".

was i?

yes, i was. it was weird to actually have a hand in making your ex find somebody who may replace you. while my ex and i are no longer a couple, it has been my belief (and unabashed claim) that nobody can take my position, or that i was irreplaceable. of course this is totally self-serving and improper and unfair (see? i am consistent), but this is how i feel. until i meet her, face to face.

anyway, the "friend" who is setting up the ex sent the ex an e-mail introducing his future date, with a photo of the date attached to the e-mail. of course, the ex forwarded the e-mail to me, and in a highly affected manner, i made the following comments:

1. dude, the girl is ___________.

2. dude, she has __________.

3. dude, her friends in the photo... (i believe that birds of the same...)

4. dude, she went to __________ (name of school).

okay, i'm sorry, the foregoing comments were made by an ex-girlfriend! what did you expect from me? but i told my ex: she could be prettier in person. :-)

[for purposes of not sounding so very mean, i edited my earlier post and hid my previous comments. if you caught this entry earlier today, you would have seen the original version. good for you.]

so what did we do? my ex and i looked her up in friendster and found nice photos of her actually. come to think of it, she does look nicer than me! BUT---- the ex does not think so. and this is what matters, so in the end, he's not going out with her.

p.s. you think i'm mean? go read my friend's post on the same subject matter.

a friend texted me this morning inviting me to join their manila bay rowing team. they train every tues, thurs and sat, from 5-7 a.m.

me: what about manila bay? it's mabaho. and i don't swim.

him: don't worry about that. you need not swim. you just stay on the boat.

me: sounds fun. what about outfit? shoes?

him: just shorts, shirt or sando. slippers.

me: okay, am joining. see you next tuesday.

i let the thought simmer for a while. i told some of my other friends about my plan until one asked me:

can you wake up before 5?

all i could say was:

oo nga.

quoting a line my young male cousin said:

"i think all girls are pretty, some prettier than others."

what a nice thing to think (and say).

today is my cousin romer's birthday. romer studies at the new york fashion institute and was my tour guide, my fun companion and best bud when i visited new york in 2006. romer is only 21 and despite the huge age gap we treat each other like close friends. i called him up on his cell to greet him a happy birthday.



he's a very talented young man - a genius in photography. he's photographed countless famous models and while we were chatting on the phone, romer kept asking me if i knew this model or that, because he's photographed them, or if i knew this photographer or that, because he's interned for them. he asked me if i knew of the new D&G campaign because he's done something for that as well and my mind raced to picture the D&G display in greenbelt but i'm not even sure if there is one there... maybe! :-) when he talked of project runway and america's top model i kind of relaxed for obvious reasons. hahaha.



i'm in awe of the kind of life my cousin is living -- he's in new york city and has his own apartment. he told me once that, if he makes it big and i'm sure he will, i would be his publicist. i don't really know if i fit the job description but i don't care - it just sounds fabulous!

anyway, as my new year's resolution, i'll be buying and reading fashion magazines so that when we talk, i'd able to say something intelligent to my now-famous cousin. posted here are some of romer's photos of real models (posted with his permission of course).

my friend asks "so how did your 2007 go?" and i think i have an answer.

2007 was a year which i had once called the "year of the yes", which for the most part was truly the year of yesses, until i couldn't help it anymore and the inevitable NO popped up every once in a while. sometimes even the noes were actually yesses, and the yesses, noes. it's quite confusing i know, but i tried to be true to my dictum of saying yes more often because you never know that what you're saying no to could actually save your life.

2007 was the year i had gotten over some crazy obsession that my friends called a truly unnecessary nuisance. i am so glad about how that had turned out.

it was a year when i reconnected with an old friend, kept those that i want to keep, and lost touch with some i don't have anything in common anymore. tough, but that's how it is sometimes.

it was a year of professional growth, when i settled in my role and embraced my life as a lawyer in this firm.

it was a year of spending time with family, when i tried to be less selfish and give more of myself to my family. it was a year when i didn't fight with my mother.

2007 was the year i vowed to find what i had been chasing for the previous year, and found it. what i found i also eventually lost, yet despite this i look back and affirm that finding it and owning it even for a while, was worth everything.

at the close of 2007, i truly believed that everything that happened the previous year was for the best. hopefully, 2008 would be even better.

it's my first day at work this year after 11 days of being home. in a way i am glad to be back to my old routine. while it was good to spend time with my family last christmas, it was also difficult for me since i was the only daughter home. ate mel was (still is) in the U.S. and it was different to spend christmas without her. it was quiet at home.

this morning while i was preparing to go to work, a thought hit me: ate mel is the one that keeps our family together. without meaning to be, she is the one that makes that household alive. before the holidays, we had planned of having a party with her ABS friends on the 25th, and that would mean a whole night of videoke, drinking, eating (and even smoking -- for some of us, outside, or when the parents are already asleep). without ate mel, our friends no longer came of course, and on the night of the 25th, we just slept early. even my cousin who usually comes home on weekends didn't come home anymore. understandable, since i am not particularly close to her.

it was weird without ate mel, we didn't know what to do with each other. maybe that, or because we could not really celebrate considering what was happening in the U.S. with my other sister and the passing of the baby.

+++

listening to corinne bailey rae, the british singer whom i first saw and heard on BBC in singapore in october last year. i listened to her for 2 nights since it was only that BBC show that was being shown on cable. i didn't know who she was but i remembered her face and her voice and her singing style.

when i returned i told my friend about her. i described her face and her hair. he made a wild guess and gifted me with corinne bailey rae's cd. bingo.

+++

been almost 3 months since i went to singapore and came home with a different perspective on my life. it has been 3 months and now i am hopefully less lost and more hopeful. reminds me of a poem i encountered years ago:

he who breaks my heart
lifts it at the same time.

based on ABS' countdown, it's officially 2008.

lots of things i want to say-- words are jumbled up in my head-- i need time to
unscramble them.

in the meantime, happy new year to all.